The Hemophiliac: An Unwise Journey

(This was originally included in my book Caring for Kait as Chapter 41. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition. I actually kind of like this chapter, but in my updates, it didn’t seem to fit.)

……………………………… ………………………… … …… …………… ………………………………………… ……… …… …… …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. (tick) …… ………………… ……………………………………………….. (tock) ……………………………………………………… ……………… ……….. (tick) ………………………………………………………… …………………………………. (tock) …………………………… ……… (tick) …………….. (tock) …………………. (tick) ………… ………… (tock) ………………………….. Our apartment …… (tick) ……. Once full of laughter and life … (tock) …… Once full of love ……….. Once full of positivity ……….  Completely silent …… (tick)………. Aside from the nearly inaudible ticking of the clock ….. (tock) ………………..Complete silence.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….I sit on the couch……By myself……..Empty……. (tick) . ………… …… (tock) ………………..Staring blankly forward ………………… …………….My social cushion………. Gone …………………… My breathing has slowed…. Significantly ………… …… I’m suffocating …… …………………………My phone sits on the coffee table in front of me……Waiting for it to vibrate……Waiting for a text from Kaitlyn…… (tick) …………… ………(tock) …………… I ate two chocolate chip cookies today……  Want to pick up the phone and tell her………I can’t………………..

………………………………………………………..Silence………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………birds chirp outside……………………………….Hindu babies scream and cry in the hallway.

My head’s a balloon……… weightless …………………..My body tingles………………………………I look around the apartment …… …….Everything remains……………..but it’s desolate.  Barren.  Lonesome……………………

I’m drowning ……….. Deep, dark ocean of despair ………….. I keep sinking ………………. deeper ……………….. and deeper …………………  The light of the sun ……….. vanished ……… no strength to swim.

Who can I talk to? ……………………. I need Kait ……… …… ………. I only want to talk to Kait ………………………………….. Kait where are you?………………………..You were the one and only person I trusted to pick me up ……. You were the one and only person I trusted to admit when I needed help…..or when I was sad…..mad…..glad.

…………………………I can feel my heart trying to repair itself …………… ………………… This hurts……………..hurts badly …… …………………Is this what the rest of my life will feel like? …….. …….. ……………….It’s only been an hour…………..How will I make it through this week? …………….. How will I make it through this month? ……… …………………. How will I make it through this lifetime? ……… ………….. Kait…… can you come back?

Everything I do, I can still sense Kait.  Taking a shower.  Walking around the apartment.  Lying in my bed.  I still feel her presence.  It feels like someone is constantly looking over my shoulder.  I can feel a certain foreign energy wrapped around my neck, my back.  Is it her?  Is my mind fooling me?  It’s impossible to differentiate whether I feel this presence because my memories are still so fresh, or because she actually is present.  My mind can’t tell.  It could be either.  For self-appeasing purposes, I want to believe it’s her.  So, it is her.  It’s definitely her. 

“Hi, Kait,” I say with a smile.  “I miss you.  I love you so much.  I’m sorry for what you had to go through.”

Reminders of the life Kait and I had together are everywhere in the apartment.  Our rings lying next to each other.  The mound of shoes taking up a whole portion of the closet.  Jewelry sprinkled across our dresser.  Her clothes hanging in the closet.  Family pictures throughout the apartment.  Her cute snowman hot chocolate cup resting in the cupboard.  Candy and chips and green tea and cooking supplies and her favorite chili from her dad and her nutritional drinks to combat the ill effects of cancer and more, littered throughout the kitchen.  Her wedding magazines.  Her wedding planner.  Her career information – letters of recommendation, resumes, references.  The letter and a picture from the little boy at Kennedy Elementary sent to Kait to update her on his progress and let him know he missed her, which nearly brought her to tears at the time.  Halloween decorations still up from October.  The prayer she wrote down on a sticky note and taped to the inside of our bathroom cabinet.  Her makeup.  Her shampoo.  Her hair straightener.  Her wigs.  Her bandanas.  Her coats hanging from the coat rack.  Every decoration in the apartment, all her touch.  The coffee table she bought for $5 at a garage sale that she sanded down and beautifully refinished the summer before we moved in together.  The plant stand my grandpa made for us that she sanded and spray painted to match the color scheme of our living room. 

Reminders of Kait are scattered throughout.  I like it.  I don’t like it.  They make me happy because they bring back certain memories.  They make me sad because they remind me that Kait’s gone, for good.    

Hours and days pass.  I sit on the couch.  Pondering.  Reflecting.  In pain.  My head is boiling.  My heart.  I feel like I’ve coded.  No pulse.  I’m a zombie.  Darkness envelops me.  I’m frightened.  Am I in hell?  I think so.  I can’t be sure.  Purgatory?

I can’t believe people experience similar pain every day.  Some worse.  Some face the challenge of cancer for years.  Some at a younger age.  But it’s not a competition.  A tragedy is a tragedy, and pain is pain.  Comparing situations would seem immature.  Not everything in life needs to be reduced to a competition.      

What do I do?  I have to start clawing my way out.  But the shroud of blackness is too thick, too overwhelming.  I need help. 

I can’t live the rest of my years as a lifeless, wooden replica of a man.  I have to live, somehow.  But, everything that gave my life meaning.  A purpose.  She’s gone.  The one thing I was responsible for I let slip away.  The one thing I completely devoted myself to can no longer be my devotion. 

Now what?  What’s the point?  I had goals.  I had aspirations.  Then disease entered.  Those goals and aspirations became completely and utterly meaningless.  I set my sights on a new goal.  It was my only goal.  Kaitlyn.  Doing everything I could possibly do to help return Kait to health.  I worked harder to achieve that goal than anything I’d ever aspired to achieve.  My only purpose in life then was keeping her alive, and it was more important and meaningful than anything I’d ever done.  Even if I couldn’t do much, even if I had almost no control over her outcome, I wanted to work tirelessly to acquire all of the necessary tools to make my new dream a possibility.  And then a reality.  I was all in.  Pledged all of my being.  And, not only was I to keep her alive, but I was also to make damn sure she was happy.  All of my stress.  All of my worries for her, the person I loved more than anything in the world, had to be swept under the rug.  It had to remain hidden from her view.

I would never outwardly admit it, but I knew there was a good chance she wouldn’t come out of this in the end.  That also had to remain a secret, even if she knew it, too.  And, if she was to succumb to her ailment, then I had to make sure in her final months that she was not stressed, and that she was able to love, laugh, and live her life happily until the end.   

Above all, no matter how much stress and worry I was under, I always kept myself grounded in the reality that what she was experiencing was so much worse than what I was experiencing.  She was actually dealing with her own mortality and physical pain.  So, whatever stress I was under paled 100 times over in comparison to what she was dealing with.  I always had to remember that fact then, and I still have to remember that fact now. 

I still went to work, but I coasted because that was a trivial part of my life.  My job mattered little in the grand scheme of things.  More of an annoyance than anything.  It kept me from my real task.  If I was fired, I would hardly flinch because I knew what awaited me at home was infinitely more important than a simple job.  Time with her was potentially running out.  Every activity not involving Kait was time wasted. 

For a year, that was my life.  That was my goal.  Kaitlyn was my true job.  Now what?  No job could ever compare to the job I undertook 12 months ago.  What’s even the purpose?  What’s the purpose of doing anything now?  Whatever task I undertake from here on out will never compare in importance and meaning to the one I had.  Money no longer carries the weight it carried before.  Everything severely lacks meaning.  From here on out, everything I achieve will seem pointless and miniscule in the end.  So, what’s the point?  What can I do that would even come close to the importance of the previous goal I had? 

I just don’t know.

My purpose is gone.  I am obsolete.  I’ve passed my expiration date.  What to do…     

I wake up in the middle of the night.  Still sleepy.  Still groggy.  Kait’s leg is nestled up to mine.  She likes to feel my presence when we sleep, so she always keeps her leg against me.  Every night.  I love it.   

I continue waking up.  I lift my head and turn my body, wanting to give Kait a kiss on the forehead.  Letting her know she’s safe and she’s loved.  Maybe I’ll squeeze her, too.  It depends how she responds.  I don’t want to wake her.   

My grogginess becomes complete consciousness as I turn over. 

Kait’s not there. 

That’s right. 

She’s gone.  

The feeling against my leg was just the fold of the blankets. 

Oddly, I found myself only partially disappointed.  On one hand, the sense of dejection upon realizing Kait was not there as I had anticipated was heavy.  But, on the other hand, for those 5, 10 seconds as I was waking up, I genuinely felt a familiarity of something I had just months earlier, something I had gotten used to for years.  For those 5 to 10 seconds, she was alive again in my head.  She was actually alive.  And I liked that feeling, however short it was.

Once again, I sit on my couch, staring blankly forward.  I feel like I should be doing something productive, but I can’t.  The mere thought of moving, even lifting a finger seems like a daunting task.  It’s as if the blood in my veins has hardened to concrete.  I’m cemented to the couch.

What’s the point?  Will I always feel like this? 

My heart hurts.  I literally feel an intense pain in my heart.  After every lub-dub, I feel it mourn for Kait and the suffering she had to endure.

In my head a pair of vise grips clamp around the backs of my eyeballs, squeezing tightly.  Beyond my control and beyond my prediction, they add and release pressure at their own will.  At times, like they are squeezing lemons.  My eyes well up and fluids drain.  

My body and my spirit are constantly at war.  Somehow I feel like I’m floating and falling at the same time.  My physical body continues plummeting down this dark abyss, but my head feels like it wants to detach itself from my body and float away.  This must be my spirit trying to leap out of my shell.  My face feels like pins and needles.  Tingly.  I’m completely numb. 

Am I half dead?  I mean, I know I had this nice theory saying that I gave myself to Kait, and when she died, a part of me went with her.  Could that be true, after all?  It seemed like just a cute, crackpot theory, but now it seems plausible.  Essentially, I feel like a part of me is dead. 

If the rest of my life is going to feel like this, pure agony, should I just end it now?  I mean, maybe that whole suicide and hell thing is just a myth. 

But, what if it’s not? 

What would it feel like to put a bullet in my head?  What would it actually feel like? 

Would it hurt?  Would it be peaceful?  Would it relieve all of the built up pressure in my head?  Hmm…

This isn’t how life is supposed to be lived, and I don’t have the strength to change it, so what’s the purpose of living if it’s always going to be like this? 

But it won’t always be like this.  Right?  I mean, everyone says time heals.  Is that true?  Or, do we simply learn how to cope with the pain as time moves forward?  Do we simply learn more effective methods of managing our wounds?

Weeks passed.  Some days I would feel a spark, thinking I must be getting over some sort of hump.  But then, hours later, that spark would vanish, the plank would drop beneath me and I would plunge deeper into my limitless sorrow, dispassionately treading to keep afloat.

Every day I replayed every aspect of our battle against our cancer insurgency.  From the day we first met, to the day we first learned she had the disease, all the way up to her final moments, the same images cycled through my mind, hitting rewind and starting over every 15 minutes.

Every day I pondered my future.  Will I ever work again?  Will I ever find love again?  I don’t think so.  How could I?  People say I have to, eventually.  But, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.  It feels like it won’t be fair to the girl I pursue.  Will she have difficulty understanding my eternal love for Kaitlyn?  Will she have difficulty understanding when I have a moment of sad memories and tears for another woman?  Will she feel like she is my consolation prize?

I don’t even know if it’s okay to truly be happy.  How can I be if my primary source of happiness is gone?

I ponder whether grief will always be a prominent part of my life.  I feel like if I’m not grieving, I’m doing Kait a disservice.  How dare I smile!?  Kait suffered and died, I should not be smiling.

Then the hypochondriac in me starts wondering whether or not the long-term stress I experienced could have caused damage, effecting my ability to think in the future.  For over a year I pushed my neurons as far as I think they could be pushed.  Can neurons burn out and die?  Of course.  I feel like I’m having a hard time with short-term memory now.  Things in the past, which would never escape my mind, are beginning to escape.  Remembering simple names of people, or simple processes I’ve done over and over suddenly become more difficult as I question myself every time.  I can’t focus.  I can’t concentrate.  Will that last?  Is it just because I’m still stricken with grief and guilt?  Or, maybe old age is simply setting in.

Sitting in my apartment, I think and I think and I think.  All the thoughts become overwhelming.  So, I take advantage of the skill I acquired from suffering through cancer – I blank my mind.  A complete whiteout.  I never thought it was possible to halt all thoughts, but I learned how.

After briefly clearing the brush of sadness from my mind, I soon come upon anger and disgust aimed heavily at pharmaceutical companies and a system which perpetuates such evil, self-serving behavior.  Through all of my digging, I received a rude awakening in that we are nowhere near a cure because money trumps compassion and human values.  While our most beloved suffer and die, we are fed stories through the media of “breakthrough” discoveries to instill hope in us, making us believe they are doing everything possible to destroy cancer.  That may be true, but only if it helps the bottom line.   

I was so angry, because instead of taking advantage and testing the natural, God-given resources expressing similar DNA to our own, like plants, we continue using toxic, carcinogenic chemicals, which poisons and destroys our bodies.  After 30 years and trillions of dollars spent, the methods employed today have hardly changed.  So many novel, natural approaches have been ignored because they wouldn’t be profitable, or are banned because they threaten the monetary gains of the pharma industry.  When cheap, healthier, and potentially more effective alternatives are brought to light, the heads of these corporations with the help of the FDA will do whatever they can, going to great lengths to discredit the method, steer people away, and even ban it.  

Ineffective, damaging poison will continue to be the preferred approach because it brings in the most money (approaches like effective, yet costly Stem Cell Therapy, Gene Modification, etc. are years away).  If you were the head of a company and your job depended on increasing shareholder value, which study would you lean toward?  The one where you can charge a patient $200,000 over a few months (Kaitlyn on Ipilimumab)?  Or, the one that can’t be patented because it’s natural, where competition will drive the price down to unprofitable levels (like with High-Dose Vitamin C, say)?  The answer is simple.  I understand it.  But, I don’t like it.  In fact I loathe it.  This kind of behavior is promoted by a gaming system with its rules that need changing so that human life is put ahead of monetary gains.  However, that won’t happen. 

I become angry because I see so many people defend the abhorrent behavior exhibited by those in charge of these companies, when just a smidgen of research exposes their intrinsic mission.  And, that mission is not geared toward you or me.

In the meantime, with stress rampant, with carcinogens in our air, our food, and our water, and with pharmaceuticals merely seeking profit, cancer and other major diseases will continue to rapidly increase, causing the deaths of millions of people.  People who you and I love dearly.  People way too young, who deserve a chance at a full, fruitful life. 

It angers me because I feel like Kaitlyn might still be alive today if greed didn’t play a role in the medical world.  That anger, that rage fuels my utter disdain for pharmaceutical companies and the money-driven “men” at the top who play a role in stunting true medical progress.  As much advancement has been made in remedying other ailments, cancer remains big, big business.

Rage dissipates.  Sadness returns.  And the life cycle of our relationship begins again in my head.  Overall, I was in bad shape.     

I needed reminders that life goes on, that I can’t sit and sulk in sadness and depression.  And, oftentimes those reminders would make themselves known in subtle ways. 

It had been a month, and I was sitting on the couch during the evening with the blinds agape in our apartment.  Through the mound of snow surrounding our porch, a full-grown rabbit appeared.  Standing right outside the window of the sliding door, he looked in.  Could this be the same rabbit from before?  It must be.  Do rabbits grow that fast?  I suppose they do.  Remembering how Kait used to feed him during the summer, I quickly scanned the fridge, but I didn’t eat vegetables, so we were empty.  Feeling a duty to Kait and to the furry critter, I grabbed my keys and hurried to the store to buy lettuce. 

When I came back, the bunny was gone, but I still dumped a large handful of food on the ground.  As the minutes passed, our rabbit friend returned and began munching away at his tasty meal.  From that night on, I fed the adorable rodent almost every day.  For Kait.  And because I didn’t want him to starve.  Hopefully it made Kait happy. It was a gentle reminder I may still have purpose.  That others may need me, yet, in this world.  That I can’t be sitting on my butt feeling depressed forever.

(This was originally Chapter 42 of the 1st Edition of my book Caring for Kait. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition. This chapter deals with “unusual” experiences for Kait’s family and me following her passing. Some of the anecdotes are quite interesting in my opinion.)

Weeks kept passing by, and my struggle continued as I attempted to rediscover a purpose worth living for.  So many questions remained.  Where is Kait now?  Is she still with me?  Is she following me around?  Is she with her family?  Does she jump back and forth?  Or, is death the final frontier?  Is life on earth the only life we experience, and once it’s over, do we dissolve to nothing while the planet gobbles us up?  I wanted answers so badly.  I desperately wanted to believe a life existed beyond that of our own two eyes.  I desperately wanted to believe Kait was in a place much better than the place we inhabit. 

In my quest for answers, like with my cancer studies, I began a foray into heavy research.  As I saddled up and prepared to delve into the world of death and God, I made sure I would not fool myself.  I was aware of how desperately I wanted Kait to still exist on a different plane.  So, I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t trick myself into believing in an afterlife just as a coping mechanism and to appease my own desires.  Whatever conclusions I arrived upon had to be from overwhelming evidence, and I had to keep confirmation bias subdued.  I realized little to no scientific research existed when it came to what happens after death, but I wanted to find out as much as I could.

Before Kaitlyn passed away, I was one of those half-and-half believers in God and heaven.  I believed, but I didn’t really “believe.”  I would pray only when I needed help, but I didn’t truly believe my prayers were capable of being heard.  Quickly, my belief system started to evolve.  It began with my anecdotal findings.

RESEARCH – NDES, OBES.  In my endeavor into learning whether or not an afterlife existed, I began by scouring the web, looking up everything I could imagine that dealt with death and the great beyond.  I Googled topics such as “heaven”, “afterlife”, “what happens when we die”, and even obscure, yet related topics like “Ouija board stories”.  I wanted answers, and I wanted to hear what people had to say. 

Through my research, I read hundreds of stories of individuals who experienced Near-Death Experiences (NDEs) and Out-of-Body Experiences (OBEs).  I watched documentaries and read books touching on topics such as the afterlife, NDEs, OBEs, psychology, and the history of spirituality across many different civilizations.  I navigated through many, many, many interviews of people and their stories about having brushes with death and meeting an entity they claimed was Jesus.  From all of the anecdotal stories and all of the studies, it became difficult not to believe something more existed after we die.  Of course, I know that the more one is exposed to a certain subject or belief, the more apt he is to begin to align with that belief.  With that in mind, I continuously reminded myself to do my best to remain objective.   

I listened to scientists’ attempts at explaining what really happens during a near-death experience in an attempt to “scientifically” explain the heavenly visions people receive.  The common and accepted claim is that when people see the proverbial light as they ascend into what they perceive as heaven, it’s merely our brain’s response as it begins shutting down.  As the brain ceases to function, one of the last parts to work is the area that captures light. 

That same concept is also used for the scientific explanation as to why people have their lives flash before their eyes before death.  Like with the light, it is explained that as our brain is shutting down, one of the last functioning areas is the part where memories are stored.  The problem I have with this idea, however, is that we don’t know exactly where memories are stored.  We know that declarative memories seem to begin their path in the hippocampus via the perforant path, and then like a librarian the hippocampus finds a spot within the brain to log those memories.  But, where exactly those memories end up is still a mystery.  I mean, generally speaking, the frontal, parietal, and temporal lobes seem to be a main storage unit for our various memories, but it still isn’t quite clear.

So, maybe NDEs are purely biological.  Even though the current scientific explanations are not convincing to me, maybe they are on the right path to eventually proving that these experiences are merely an illusion. 

But then, there are the out-of-body experiences.  What’s the explanation for when people exit their bodies during surgery, and then, even though their faces are completely covered, they can see exactly what is going on not only in the room of their procedure, but in other rooms, too?  How does one explain the incidences where a person is born blind, has an OBE during a procedure or medical emergency, and can suddenly see what’s going on around him as he’s hovering above his body?  Many of these experiences are later verified by shocked doctors and nurses as the patients recite everything that was going on during their surgeries.  And, so far, no explanation exists for these occurrences.

Above near-death experiences, I believe out-of-body experiences are the proof that we actually do have a soul or a spirit that can be detached from our physical bodies.  This reaffirms my assertion that our physical bodies are merely shells for our souls, or our conscious beings, to experience life here on earth.  In my opinion, I don’t think there can be a scientific explanation to simplify or reduce out-of-body experiences.         

And as for NDEs, I truly believe that many (not all) of the people who say they traveled to an alternate reality during their brush with death actually did travel to an alternate reality.  For the most part, the stories told by thousands of people across the globe are essentially similar.  The unifying principles of most of these experiences are heightened sensory, unconditional love, no pain, unexplainable beauty of the landscape, interactions with deceased loved ones, and an overwhelming comfort that makes it difficult to want to go back to earth.  The experiencers feel love like they’ve never felt love before.  They feel warm.  They feel safe.  They feel absolutely wonderful.

Many people claim to have seen relatives who they had no idea existed – siblings who died in the womb, uncles they’d never met, etc.  Once these experiencers reenter their human form, they later verify that the people they met in “heaven” actually were their relatives.  Many people claim to have seen Jesus.  They all say his presence is completely loving and wonderful.  Many people have had experiences where they’ve been given insight into future events, which, later on, do actually happen.  Just about every single person that has had an NDE comes back to earth completely changed and enlightened.  Their perspectives altered forever.

After compiling all of this anecdotal evidence of people entering alternate, spiritual worlds, I was almost completely convinced an afterlife existed.  But, no matter how many claims I come across, I’m always skeptical.  Unless something happens to me, or people I know, I have a difficult time completely committing to a belief system.  I needed personal evidence.

Which brings me to certain occurrences that happened to us just before and after Kait passed.  Most of these could be considered mere coincidences, but when compiled together, it becomes difficult to dismiss each.

A CHILLING REVELATION.  “……I was supposed to die for you.”  To this day, that one statement she made in the wake of her major seizure still gives me chills.  It’s a comment I ponder almost every day, leaving me to wonder, what did she mean?   

“I was supposed to die for you.”

“I was SUPPOSED to DIE for YOU.”

What could that have possibly meant?  As I explained earlier, even in her disoriented state of mind, there was a chance she was able to partially comprehend her situation.  Knowing Kait, if she did realize her life would be forever changed, there is a chance she may have wanted to die for me so she wouldn’t be “dragging me along” during her intense struggle going forward.  But, in her state of mind at the time, I don’t think her level of thinking was that advanced.

When she made that statement, I simply tried to shrug it off, believing it likely meant nothing.  Unfortunately, Kaitlyn’s recollection of her stay at the three hospitals after her seizure was very poor, remembering only bits and pieces.  Also, I never asked her about it because I feared it would be a topic too stressful for her to talk about – death.      

 However, after all of the stories I read, and after other things that happened which I’m about to discuss, I believe Kaitlyn might have had an out-of-body experience during her seizure.  At one point, she did begin to turn blue while she was convulsing.  I believe it is possible her soul could have detached temporarily from her body.  I believe it is possible she could have entered an alternate dimension.  I believe it is possible she could have met and conversed with another entity.  And, I believe it is possible this entity might have gently explained to her that she was supposed to die for me, and maybe others, while explaining the purpose of it.

I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure, nor will I ever, but I think she did briefly go to a heavenly realm. 

ESCORTING SPIRITS.  “They are here for me, but I don’t want to go, yet.”  For two straight days before she passed away, Kaitlyn was completely unresponsive, not even waking for water or her medications.  Then, hours before her final breaths, she woke up and made that statement in her attempts to speak.  And, she looked directly at us, whereas during the previous week and a half, she was unable to look straight.  That in and of itself was extraordinary to me, but her statement was what set that moment apart.

“They are here for me, but I don’t want to go, yet.”

What did she mean?  Who was there for her? 

Could she have been hallucinating?  Yes.  Do I think she was?  No.

I think it is possible deceased relatives could have been in her room waiting to take her home, to a better world.  I believe she saw something real.

PERFECT TIMING.  Another instance I refer to as potential proof of a spiritual world is the perfect timing of Kait’s passing.  On December 29^th, by all signs, with her laboring and her blood pressure dropping, she was supposed to pass on that night.  But, she didn’t.

I went to bed. 

The next morning, I entered the room at about 8:30.  Just minutes after I greeted her, as though she had been waiting for me to wake up, she began laboring again.  Swiftly, we called every one of her family members in to be by her side.  Jessica was the last one to enter her room.  Maybe two minutes after she came in, Kait let go, as though she was making sure to hold on until all of her family were present.   

What a coincidence that would be, huh?  First of all, she could have died at any point during the night.  Essentially, she should have.  But, seemingly conscious of her surroundings, she held on.  As soon as I got in the room, she began the process of dying.  And, as soon as the last family member arrived, she passed away.  I don’t think it was a coincidence at all.  I think she was aware and possibly outside of her body looking over herself.  I think she knew exactly what she was doing.  The timing of her passing was too perfect.

A FATHER’S DREAM.  Months had gone by since Kait’s passing.  Every single night, Mark dreamt of Kait.  All of the dreams were essentially similar.  Either Kait was no longer with us, or Kait had passed away and came back to life, or Kait was alive again but she still had cancer and we were trying to figure out how to beat it.  Although dreams always feel real when you are in them, we wake up knowing they are mere dreams, nothing more.  Except for one night for Mark…..

It was early-June, and for several weeks, Mark had been having a rough time coming to grips with his daughter’s death.  As expected, emotional pain was prevalent every single day, but more pronounced during those weeks leading up to June.    

Well, on one particular night, Mark had gone to sleep early as usual to recharge for work the next day.  Hours into his nightly slumber, Mark awoke.  Only, he wasn’t in his room.  He found himself in an unknown place, completely surrounded by a soft white light.  The light was not blinding or overpowering.  It was a warm and comforting light.  Nothing else existed in this large, luminous space, except a strong presence.

Something in Mark’s head immediately alerted him. 

“Kait’s here!”

He began looking around.  Not long into his search, he found her.  Kait was standing before him!  Curiously, when Kait revealed herself to him, her image was sort of flickering, rapidly changing back and forth from a sick Kait to a healthy Kait.  Eventually, the flickering stopped.  Kait was healthy. 

Excited, ecstatic, speechless, Mark approached her and they tightly embraced.  With his head rested on Kait’s shoulder, he wept uncontrollably.  This was real.  He could feel it.  He could sense it.  This was no ordinary dream.  Holding each other as Mark continued shedding tears of joy, he could feel Kait with her unconditional love supporting him as she seemed to hover slightly above whatever ground was beneath them.  After releasing his cries, the stress and anxiety he had been feeling for weeks and months seemed to completely vanish. 

Then, Kait took Mark by the hand as they walked a couple of steps before taking a seat on seemingly nothing.  Mark turned his attention to the white nothingness in front of him.  With their hands still intertwined, images of Kaitlyn began to appear before his eyes.  The images were of Kait through all phases of her life – as a baby, as a toddler, as a child, as an adolescent, and as a young adult.  They all had one thing in common – Kaitlyn was smiling and she was happy. 

No conversing was done, but Mark could feel a strong sense of pure joy, pure bliss, pure love and happiness emanating from Kait as she sat with her father.  Without words, Mark felt like she was trying to convey the message, “See Dad, I lived a great, happy life.  You don’t have to worry about me.  I’m okay!”

Astounded by what he was experiencing, he wanted to go tell everyone before it was too late, but then he got the feeling that this experience was for him.  No one else would be able to see or understand what was happening. 

Then, the experience was over.

The next morning, Mark woke up feeling rested for the first time in a long time.  He felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders.  All day he felt calm and serene, walking around with a tingling feeling of chills pulsating like gentle waves of electricity throughout his entire body.  He felt comforted.  He knew his daughter was all right.

Mark and I both strongly agree.  He wasn’t simply dreaming.  Kait crossed over to send him a message that night.

Five months later, Mark woke up in the exact same setting of soft white light, feeling Kait’s presence once again.  Only this time, before anything significant happened, Mark woke from his actual sleep.  He wonders if a connection was trying to be made.  So do I.        

A GRANDDAUGHTER’S REASSURANCE.  It was around the same time in June, possibly even the same night as Mark’s dream.  Kaitlyn’s grandpa, Don, had an extraordinary experience himself. 

Since Kait passed away, Don talked with her often, praying to her every single day and night.  And every single night, he would sleep with a special wooden cross in his hands, holding it near his chest.

Well, on one particular night, Don woke up in the wee morning hours.  And when he awoke, he glanced to his side and saw a faint image.  It looked like Kait.  But, tired, groggy and assuming he was hallucinating, Don turned around and fell back to sleep.

Time passed throughout the night before Don awoke once more.  Glancing to the side of his bed again, the soft, white image of Kait was still there.  And, again, he shrugged it off as just his imagination before trying to fall back to sleep.  With his eyes closed, he could feel a warm presence, which encouraged him to look one last time.  When he opened his eyes, the image remained. 

More awake and seeing clearly now, Don affirmed with himself what he had questioned.  The foggy spirit standing next to him was the granddaughter he loved so effusively.  It was Kait!  When she smiled at him, his initial shock turned to complete comfort and joy. 

Then, she approached him.  Putting her hand on his arm, she said, “It’s okay, Papa.”   

So moved by his amazing experience, talking about it induced chills and emotions.

For weeks, Don kept his story hidden from Mark, fearing it could potentially cause pain and sadness.  When he finally decided to give testimony to Mark on what he had witnessed, he became emotional.  Mark could tell the old man was sincere.  Don was not making it up.

Could it have been a hallucination?  Of course.  But, I don’t think so.  Especially since both Mark’s and Don’s experiences occurred around the same time period.  Possibly the same exact night.  We wonder if Kait was more active at that point.  It’s possible, but impossible to know for sure.  

A COMFORTING TOUCH.  Only weeks had passed since Kait crossed over into the afterlife.  Late one night, struggling mightily to cope with everything her lovely daughter was forced to endure, Kathy laid in bed restless, distraught, full of grief, and unable to fall asleep.  Unable to suppress her sadness just long enough to doze, she reached out to Kait for help.  To herself, Kathy asked her daughter to give her a sign, to let her know she was okay.

Just then, as she waited silently under her covers, Kathy suddenly felt a light pressure on her leg, as though someone or something was pressing down, patting it.  Relieved and comforted from receiving this unexpected, warming response, Kathy was able to fall asleep for the night.   

Could this have been all in Kathy’s mind?  Absolutely.  But, I’m not about to dismiss it as such.

NIGHTLY APPARITIONS.  It was February.  I was sleeping in my childhood room at my parents’ house.  At around 2 AM, I woke up.  In my fogginess, I turned over to face the empty side of my bed.  Immediately, my eyes alerted me to an abnormal presence, accelerating my heartbeat.  Lying next to me was an image of a person.  Trying to assure myself I wasn’t hallucinating, I began blinking my eyes and shaking my head to see if it would disappear.  But it didn’t.  Looking on wide-eyed, the person suddenly smiled at me with white teeth.  Because my room was so dark, and because I was so tired, I struggled to make out the image. 

After maybe 30 seconds had passed, I exited my room to go to the bathroom.  When I came back, my room was empty again.  With my adrenaline easing back to normal, I was eventually able to fall back to sleep. 

Then, as more weeks passed, four more times I woke up and saw an image of someone lying next to me.  It happened once at my apartment and three more times at my parents’ place.  In my grogginess, I never could tell exactly who it was.  But, I know for sure I was awake.  And, I know for sure I saw something.  Could it have been Kait?  Possibly.  Could it have been projections manufactured by my own mind?  Possibly. 

As a side note, when I was 19 or 20, I began waking up in the middle of the night to ghostly images of people standing in my room.  One time it was a little girl standing in the corner of my room.  Another time it was a woman sitting in a chair at the corner of my bed.  On certain nights my alarm clock would go off at around 2:30 AM even though I never set it.  Of course, many people experience alarm clock mishaps.  But the images of people?  I experienced those on many nights.

Are my experiences examples of hallucinations?  Do I have early signs of schizophrenia?  It’s possible.  But, between the age of 20 and 28 I stopped seeing things.  All of a sudden at the age of 28, I began waking up and seeing images again.  And, it was the exact same image each time, of a person lying next to me in bed. 

Then, months later, after I moved into a new apartment, I had the same experience.  It was the third different location I had seen this image of a person lying beside me.  But it only happened once at my new home and hasn’t since.  Is it possible that Kait was appearing before me?  I don’t know.  Is it possible when I wake up at night, my mind is in a relaxed state that allows me to see “things” or entities?  Maybe.  Is it possible I’m going crazy?  Absolutely.  I just don’t know.

JESUS ANSWERING?.  I had been having a particularly rough two weeks.  My mind was in the gutter, and I couldn’t seem to find energy or reason to do anything.  My muscles, my bones, my thoughts, everything felt like molasses.  Everything felt like slow motion. 

Finally, one night, I decided to reach out.  After speaking with Kaitlyn like I did every night, I made a call to Jesus.  I proceeded to plead my case with him, divulging my most recent struggles.  I then made a request.  “Jesus…,” I said, “…do you think, maybe you could show yourself to me?  Could you somehow appear to me?  In front of me right now or in my dreams or any way you see fit?  I would appreciate it.  And I think it would help.”

I finished my prayer and went to bed that night.  I wasn’t expecting anything.

Well, hours into my sleep, my eyes opened.  Was I awake or dreaming?  I honestly do not know, because I was extremely groggy.  Even the next morning, I couldn’t discern which it was.  But, when my eyes opened that night, I was in my room, lying in my bed on my side.  I looked down at the edge of my bed, by my feet, and sure enough, standing tall, looking right at me, was Jesus.  He was completely surrounded by a luminous, white light.  The light was extremely bright, but not blinding by any means.  Through the radiance I could see His beard, and I knew without a doubt that it was Him. 

Like I said, I don’t know if I was still asleep or awake, but shortly after I saw Him, I closed my eyes and fell back to sleep.  And that was it.

Was it really Him?  Did He reach out to me in my dream?  Was I awake?  I don’t know.  Nevertheless, I definitely saw Him in some form, and the fact that it happened the very night I asked for Him makes me believe that He really was reaching out to me.

A PHONE CALL FROM BEYOND? – After Kait had passed, Kathy could not bring herself to cancel Kait’s cell phone plan with their wireless company.  Every so often in the ensuing years, Kathy and others would call her phone simply to hear her sweet and friendly voice once more.

Well, one day, a couple years after Kait’s passing, her sister Jess was going through a rough patch at work.  A patient temporarily residing at their institution committed suicide.  For any warm-blooded human with a properly functioning heart, this can be quite an emotional experience.  It was for Jess and a number of her colleagues. 

Struggling to cope with this tragic event, she and her coworkers decided to talk about the situation as a group.  Moments later, as the group session concluded, Jess headed back to her office with a heavy heart.  Upon entering her office, she noticed her phone was blinking, indicating she had a missed call.  So, she grabbed her phone and looked to see who it was.

Shock!

Dizziness!

Chills immediately rushed down her spine as she processed the name of the missed caller!

It was Kaitlyn!

Impossible!  How could that be?

After collecting herself and calming her nerves, Jessica quickly called Kathy to see if maybe she was messing around with Kait’s phone.  But she was not.  Kait’s phone had been dead and tucked away in a storage bin for many months.

With everyone’s attention and curiosity piqued, they began investigating all of the possible ways this could have happened.  They called the cell phone company, they searched the internet, but nothing seemed to make logical sense.  How could Kait’s phone have called Jess while being dead and stored away?  It was a mystery.  One that current information and logic could not solve.

Is it possible that Kait sent the call from beyond the grave?  Was Kait trying to help her dear sister cope with an emotional event in her life?  Of course, you know my response.  Yes!

MY DREAM.  I had a dream.  Not too dissimilar from Mark’s where the dream felt more real than most dreams I have. 

For months after Kait passed away, I dreamt of her often.  In my dreams, Kait was alive, her hair was long and flowing again, but she still had cancer and we were trying to figure out how to cure her.

However, on one particular night, my dream was much different.  It felt more “real.”  Kait had returned to visit me, but unlike my other dreams, I knew she had passed away.  I knew she couldn’t stay long.  Together, we were hanging out in our apartment again living normally, but we didn’t speak.  All I wanted to do was stare at her and soak in her loving presence because I knew it was only temporary.  

Then, we went to the mall.  As we were walking past the mass of shoppers, my family arrived.  Immediately, I exclaimed, “Hey guys, look who it is,” as I pointed to Kait.

Seeing Kait standing in front of them they all wept as they embraced her, expressing how much she was missed.

Soon after, we found ourselves back at our apartment, just hanging out together.  In my heart I knew it was time.  She had to go back to her world.  Standing before me, Kait smiled and held my hand, letting me know we would do this some other time.  With that, we hugged.  I held onto her tightly and told her how much I loved her. 

All of a sudden, I jolted awake.  My heart was tingling along with the rest of my body.  I took a deep breath, and the first thing I said was, “Thank you.” 

For those moments, Kait was real, and she was back to say hello.  It wasn’t like most dreams where deep down you sense you are merely dreaming.  It wasn’t one of those dreams where you wake up and have to slowly piece it back together through your fogginess.  Normally, I have a vague recollection of my dreams, but this one was vivid and still is.  When I woke up, I instantly felt it was real.

But, was it?  It’s impossible for me to know for sure.  The whole part about going to the mall is what makes me consider it may have just been a normal dream.

AN ANIMAL’S SENSE.  At Mark’s house, a room was set up in the basement for the nights when Kaitlyn would sleep over.  Normally, Kaitlyn lived at her mom’s abode, but some nights she would stay at her dad’s. 

Vicky and Mark had a cat named Little Bit.  This cat almost never went downstairs into Kait’s room. 

Well, one day, just a couple weeks after Kaitlyn passed away, Vicky was looking all over the house for Little Bit.  To her surprise, she found the feline hanging out in Kaitlyn’s room, and she was acting rather strange.  As the cat sat on Kait’s bed, it stared intently at a corner of the ceiling.  It was completely fixated on something.

Like a ball on a swivel, the cat’s head began turning slowly, as if she was following the movement of this “thing” she had her vision focused on.  Then, the movement of Little Bit’s head stopped.  For another few moments, her head remained stationary as her eyes continued to be transfixed on this invisible “thing”.  All of a sudden, the cat’s eyes followed along a path leading to the closet.  For the moment, with the “thing” seemingly escaped from Little Bit’s view, she immediately jumped off the bed and ran to the closet to find it again.

Vicky followed her pet.  Inside the closet, Vicky curiously watched her cat as it was fixated on one specific area in the closet for many, many seconds.  Suddenly, Little Bit darted out of the closet following something, and then she stopped as she stared intently at another point in the room.

Confused by her cat’s odd behavior, Vicky had a peculiar thought.  Kait was present and her cat could see her.

“Hey Kait,” she said with a sheepish smile, unsure if she was talking to herself or, well, Kaitlyn.

Taken aback by the cat’s behavior, unsure of how to interpret her actions, Vicky told Mark about her experience later on in the evening.  Intrigued, Mark decided to venture off into the basement.  And, even though Little Bit never hung out in Kait’s room, she was there again, resting on the bed.

Mark sat at the edge of Kait’s bed, observing the room in wonderment.  Then, breaking her calm demeanor, Little Bit suddenly sat up and seemed distracted again by something and began behaving exactly how she was with Vicky.  The cat lifted her head and focused on a certain point on the ceiling.  Again, Little Bit slowly followed this “thing” as it would seemingly move from one area of the room to another.  This happened for several minutes.  Eventually, as the cat’s line of vision followed along the wall, her gaze stopped right in front of Mark, as though this imaginary “thing” was standing before him, just three feet away.  For a few moments, Little Bit’s eyes remained transfixed on this phantom object or being as it seemed to remain stationary while facing Mark. 

Was it possible Kait was standing right in front of him?  He didn’t know.  He wasn’t sure what to think.  Like Vicky, Mark simply said, “Hey Kait.” 

Was their cat just crazy?  Or, did the cat see something?  I tend to believe the latter.  I do think Little Bit did see something.  Call me delusional, but I believe it was Kait.  Animals can sense things we cannot. 

MORE DREAMS.  Going back to the dream theme, I present exhibit C of the extra-real sleeping fantasies.  This one involved my aunt, Michelle. 

One night in March as she lay asleep in bed, Michelle suddenly found herself surrounded by a heavenly landscape, which she interpreted to be heaven.  Waiting for her in this wonderful place was her mother, Edna – my grandmother who had passed away six months before Kait.  Then, as Michelle approached her mother, she noticed Kaitlyn was standing right next to her (two other deceased relatives were also in the picture).  They were smiling and very happy.

Like Mark’s and my dream, Michelle explained that her dream felt more real than any dream she had experienced before.  She recalled feeling unconditional love, warmth, and comfort.  She didn’t want to leave.

SUSPENDED ARM.  One night, I was grieving as usual as I struggled to fall asleep.  Missing Kaitlyn, I began talking to her, at least in my head I was.  Wanting to feel her again, I lifted my arm up toward the ceiling and asked, “Kait, can you please hold my hand?”

Now, if you can picture this, my triceps were still lying on the bed.  Only my forearm was extended toward the ceiling, so my arm was bent at a 90-degree angle.

While holding my hand in the air, hoping my request would be heard, I waited.  After about 10 seconds, I suddenly felt a pressure on my hand that extended down my forearm.  Surprised, I didn’t know what to think.  To test the validity of the potential bond, I decided to allow my arm to go limp and let it fall to the bed.  When I released my arm, it didn’t budge.  It felt like it was suspended upright.

Testing it even further, I physically lowered my arm to a 45-degree angle and then allowed my muscles to relax.  Again, my arm remained suspended in the air even though I was consciously trying to let it drop.  Surrounding my hand, I genuinely thought I could feel an energy.

I’m fully aware this could all have been psychological, created solely in my mind.  But, I don’t know.  It is also possible it could have been Kait.  I can’t be certain.  I tried it on many other nights, and nothing happened.  My arm fell when I relaxed my muscles, and I couldn’t feel the pressure I felt before.

For that one particular instance, I like to believe the energy was due to Kait’s presence.                   

EXTRAS.  Searching for further proof of a possible afterlife and Kait’s presence, I look to a few “smaller” examples of odd occurrences. 

The day of Kaitlyn’s funeral, when it started snowing for 20 minutes as soon as we returned home even though no snow was in the forecast and it had been relatively sunny.  I’m aware this was likely just a coincidence, but I feel like it is possible Kait was sending us a sign as we were in great mourning.

As another example, one day when Mark was at his house, he saw the basement light turn on by itself.

In another instance, as Vicky sat alone in the quiet of her home, she heard someone whistle behind her ear.

Also, I look to the month of August in 2012 when Kaitlyn was on Zelboraf.  I had openly asked for help to whomever was listening.  Like a bolt of lightning, an answer was zapped into my head about how Kait should be taking her chemo in order to make it more effective.  I didn’t adhere to the instructions sent down to me, fearing it wouldn’t work since it hadn’t been tested, yet, or so I thought.  Six months later, as I said earlier, a report was printed about a study where scientists were testing the very technique that had been conjured up in my head, and that technique proved to be more effective.  I violently kick myself for not listening.

Mark and Kait had a special song together.  A song they danced to the day Mark and Vicky were married – “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel “Iz” Kamakawiwo’ole – the big Hawaiian guy.  To our great sadness, Papa Don passed away a year after Kait, near the same day.  On the morning of Don’s funeral, Mark woke up at about 4 AM with Iz’s rendition of the Wizard of Oz song stuck in his head.  And, when he fell back to sleep, he had a dream of Kait, one of three since his experience in June.  Then, at the funeral, as soon as he and Vicky walked into the funeral home, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” began playing over the speakers, and the song just started.  Oddly, that song was not included on the CD used during the memorial service.  Sometimes the coordinators turn on a radio station that only plays soothing instrumental music, but I don’t think Iz’s song would be on there.  Seeing how the song began playing as soon as Mark and Vicky walked into the funeral home, I think Kait was trying to let them know she was going to be by their side to help them get through the day.

Months later, after Jessica finished her FINAL paper to complete her Masters program, she was anxious to share and celebrate her achievement with somebody; anybody.  But it was 12:30 AM and everyone was asleep, including Carlos who had been sick.  Suddenly, on her computer, on the internet station she had been listening to, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” began playing.  The song began playing almost immediately after Jess finished her project.  To her it was obvious Kaitlyn was sending her a sign.  Jess was able to share her success with somebody that night.  Kaitlyn was there to give her sister a congratulatory pat on the back.

Again, these occurrences may be nothing.  They may simply be coincidences, but I just don’t know.  I don’t think they are. 

So, as I sat in my apartment, pondering the possibility of an existence beyond our own two eyes, I began by compiling all of the evidence, or at least how I perceived it to be.  From the hundreds of stories I read and heard to some of the seemingly supernatural occurrences we experienced, I found my belief system completely turned on its head. 

God and heaven used to be almost unfathomable to me.  As a “logical” person, it was difficult to accept an imaginary world, one that existed on a different plane, filtered from our mind and hidden from our sight.  How could something like that exist?  I sometimes felt like I had to be a lunatic to believe in such a world, as though by believing, I was exhibiting a primitive mindset.  At times I believed my own two eyes told the whole story, and the only story. 

No longer. 

After countless hours of sifting through consistent anecdotal evidence, I not only believe a God exists, but in my heart I know a God exists.  Without a sliver of doubt in my mind, I know now life continues after life on earth.  And, I know it is absolutely wonderful.

However, what I cannot be sure of, and what no one can truly know is what exactly God is.  Is He the universe?  Is He the all-encompassing light?  Is He you and me?  Does He take the form of a human with a long grey beard?  Is He neither male nor female?  I know the Bible mentions something about God making Adam in his image.  But, I don’t consider the Bible to be a credible source because it’s a human creation, therefore, corruptible.  Is He Jesus?  Who is Jesus and what does He really look like?  I know Christians have an idea of what he looks like, but what if Jesus is an entity who takes on forms solely for our recognition, so we have an image we can relate to?  It seems throughout the history of mankind, in different civilizations and different religions, they almost all believe in that one seemingly all-powerful, all-loving leader, like Jesus.  What if throughout time, this was the same entity, but just appearing in different forms to blend in with the culture?  Is it possible Jesus is Mithra and Mithra is Jesus?  I suppose we can’t possibly know until we die.      

Additionally, it’s impossible to know what exactly the afterlife is.  Is it more or less an accentuated earth where everything is more beautiful and pronounced?  Is it a bunch of clouds and bright light with transparent beings floating around?  Is it merely a world existing outside of our human perceptions?  Consider that our brains are only able to visually perceive wavelengths within the visible light spectrum – ROY G BIV.  And, visible light is a tiny fraction within the vast electromagnetic spectrum, meaning it is certainly feasible that worlds could exist beyond are limited human senses and tools.  Are there different levels of afterlife?  Or, different tiers in which we have to earn our way up the ladder by doing good deeds?  What does it take to get into heaven?  What causes some to wind up in a hellish place?  What about reincarnation?  Do our souls get to choose to reenter earth if they get sick of the omnipotence of heaven and want a challenge again?  What are our capabilities in the afterlife?  How far can we travel?  Will I be able to haunt someone for fun?  Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  Does that mean the cells or molecules containing our memories and other genetic attributes are passed along? Even after concluding without a doubt that an afterlife existed, so many questions remained.  Though people with near-death experiences have potentially given us a glimpse into what the afterlife may contain, we still can’t know for sure.  The bottom line is, I know there is one, I know Kaitlyn is there, and I know I will see her again!

(This was originally Chapter 43 of the 1st Edition of my book Caring for Kait. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition.)

Knowing in my heart Kaitlyn was all right, in a world full of love and warmth, I felt myself comforted.  I felt more at ease.  And when I lifted my head and looked up, I could now see a light shimmering up above piercing through the darkness.  With my palms up, I raised my hands to my waist and peered down at my numb fingers.  Slowly, I could feel a semblance of strength emanating softly from within me.  The numbness all over my body was beginning to dissipate.  I could sense there was still hope for a meaningful life!  Somewhere a purpose still existed!  Clenching my fists, I returned my attention to the light above.  Travis, Kaitlyn is fine!  She loves you and will always be with you!  You have to continue to live!  It’s time to start rediscovering your purpose!  As my eyes glistened with moisture, I pursed my lips and nodded my head.  With a new sense of determination, I reached forward with my hands and began clawing my way out from the psychological hell I’d fallen deep into.  But the light was far off in the distance.  I had a long way to go.

As I slowly traversed through the long, black tunnel, I gazed through the nothingness and completely tuned out the world.  For the rest of my journey back to life, it was just my thoughts and I…and of course, Kaitlyn’s guidance.  In the tranquility of my dark space, devoid of any outside influences, I began to think and reflect upon everything I had ever been led to believe.  And through my reflections, as I started dissecting and questioning all of my previous truths one by one, I found that my perspectives on life had completely changed.  All of my previous belief systems had completely evolved.

For starters, I found myself more ready and willing to take on challenges I may have been too afraid to attempt before.  Struggle.  Pain.  Tribulation.  I no longer feared any of it.  The love of my life, a woman half my size, was forced to endure a hardship I couldn’t even imagine.  And she faced it head on with indomitable strength.  She faced the pain and the suffering with such dignity, never wavering from her loving self, and never complaining of her unfortunate circumstances.  Kait could have given in to the struggle at any moment, but she didn’t.  By following her brave lead and drawing inspiration from her strength, I’ve come out a much stronger man myself.  And if we could handle cancer together the way we did, I know now that I can handle anything; a revelation that has released me from my cement shoes of fear as I move forward in life.  Now, when it comes to struggle, I say bring it on!  I can take it.

Moving on, I found myself less fearful of scrutiny and ridicule.  Less fearful of the judgment of others.  When people say, “Travis you’re going bald.”  I no longer care.  I say, “Yup, that’s true.”  If people say, “Travis you’re weird.”  I say, “Yeah I am pretty weird, aren’t I?”  If someone tells me, “Travis, your face is crooked.”  I laugh and say, “Really?  Hmm, ain’t that somethin’.”  Life is short, who cares what people say or think.  Big deal.  I’ve learned to embrace the things that distinguish me from the rest and laugh at my “flaws.”  Who wants to be the same as everyone else, anyway?

Next, as I continued my slow crawl toward the light, I faced the concept of death – a notion that once terrified me.  But as I revisited this frightening topic, I found that the idea of passing on no longer sent chills traveling down my spine like it used to.  After experiencing death through Kaitlyn, the concept of dying is one that no longer terrifies me.  Why should it?  Kait experienced it, so I should be able to, as well.  And now that I know life continues after our earthly life, there really is nothing to fear.  Death comes to us all.  Whether it happens tomorrow or 50 years from now, the difference in that stretch of time is nothing compared to eternity.  And as much as we like to sometimes believe we are impervious, death is inevitable.  We all pass on at some point.  Earth is merely a temporary playground.  Unless a person’s actions are causing pain to others, it shouldn’t matter what endeavors they decide to take on, as long as they find some sort of satisfaction in doing it.  To each, their own.  Let bygones be bygones.  In the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t matter.

We struggle daily to make the “right” decisions, hoping our choices don’t threaten our survival and overall wellbeing.  But I realize now there is really no such thing as a right or wrong decision.  If we choose to go down a certain path and the outcome turns out to be less favorable than expected, causing a certain level of pain and hardship, then we learn from it.  If we are still alive after a “wrong” decision, we persevere and grow.  Facing challenge is what adds to the intrigue of life.  It’s all a part of our short journey here on earth.  And many times challenge and struggle make achievement and triumph so much more gratifying.  The ups and downs are all a part of living, and if anything they at least give us entertaining stories to pass down to our loved ones.

On my arduous journey through the seemingly infinite space of my dark world, every stage of my life began to flash before my eyes.  Like Mark’s dream, the images whooshing by my face were attempting to instill in me an important message.  Each and every image drawn from my memory was helping me to recall special times when I was smiling, when I was laughing, and when I was HAPPY.  I recalled once again going for ice cream with Kait that one evening after work when she was sick, and how such a simple moment was the source of so much laughter.  Reaching back even further into my memory bank, I recalled the hot summer nights when I was seven years old, sleeping in the living room in our sleeping bags, playing Nintendo into the wee hours of the morning with my dad, brothers, uncles, and friends.  What fun we had.  I recalled a time when we were sitting in our hot tub, and our pug, wanting to join us so badly, took the unknowing plunge into the steamy water.  As he quickly sank to the bottom, I remembered connecting eyes with him before we swiftly swept him out.  Though he was shaken, he was quite all right.  I smile with a glint in my eye from that adorable reminiscence.  Memories continued flooding my mind.  I remembered as a 10 year-old, my cousin and I throwing apples at my younger brothers and younger cousin as they built a fort in the woods.  I recalled playing cards and board games with my family on multiple occasions.  I remembered my brother sticking his thumb up our dog’s ass (an English Mastiff) when he was four and then innocently saying, “Dad smell,” as he held his hand up to my oblivious dad’s nose.  The pungent odor almost knocked him out.  I remembered so many times dancing in the kitchen while I “assisted” Kait as we cooked our meals together.  I couldn’t help myself, I was just so excited to be with her, and she was so much fun to have around.  I remembered those sad nights when we would hold each other.  And even though our physical bond was seriously being threatened, nothing else mattered in the world except for the fact that we were together, exchanging our limitless love.

As hundreds of images of treasured memories continued zipping past my line of sight, I began to realize it was those moments of seemingly less that I cherished most in my life.  Those simple moments made me laugh.  They made me cry.  Most importantly, they made me feel.  Somewhere, in the hustle bustle of everyday life in our society, that notion of what truly matters had escaped my conscious being.  The idea of what life is really all about had been lost on me.  I feel it’s been lost on many in our nation and in our world.

Then, I began to realize that in all of my recollections there was one more uniting principle.  In all of my happiest memories filled with life and laughter, money was never involved (unless it was playing cards with my family, and then it was simply spending time with them as we joked about everything that was the source of the happiness.  I couldn’t care less if I came out a winner, financially).

Suddenly, it hit me.  I didn’t care about money anymore.  I no longer cared about the material possessions or the false sense of wealth it garnered.  As I sifted through the memories of my life, it seems it has caused more stress and grief than anything else.  All of those inanimate objects we scratch and claw and work so hard to obtain have become absolutely valueless in my life.  That feeling is reinforced by the fact that I would give up everything, every single item I own if it meant I could have Kait back for just one hour.  Simply being with her, holding her hand, hugging her, touching her head, and drinking in her magical beauty, nothing on Earth could match that feeling of profound wealth.  That’s a feeling of true richness money could never buy.  That’s a feeling of genuine happiness that even all of the world’s material items combined could not equal.  So, I will repeat it one more time since it has had such a profound effect on my outlook.  I would trade everything, all of my material possessions without even a second thought for just one hour with Kait.  And that let’s me know just how unimportant all of this inanimate crap is.

Reflecting back on my time on our planet, I realize all of my happiest, most fulfilling moments have come while spending time with those closest to me.  Even though we have been convinced to believe that consumption will provide us with happiness, it rarely does.  We are left instead with a feeling of emptiness, thinking we need to make an additional purchase or go on yet another shopping spree just to fill that void.  But it doesn’t work that way, and the cycle just repeats itself over and over again until your garage is filled with junk.  Going forward, my goals will never revolve around the acquisition of any material object or anything as artificial as money like they used to be.  With my evolved perspectives, I will no longer be fooled into thinking true happiness will come from consumption or competing against my peers to have more.

As I continued confronting every single belief I once held, I began to feel a subtle sense of enjoyment.  In some ways I felt like a blind man being given sight for the first time in his life.  I was uncovering secrets hidden from my view that had been right in front of me the whole time. 

In my pursuit of the growing light ahead, images of a 24-year old lying motionless on a bed began pummeling my mind.  Kait’s life was taken away so quickly, reminding me how short we are here on Earth.  24 years.  Gone.  In a flash.  The years we spent together feel like just a couple of weeks.  It feels like just months ago I was a small child imagining my dream world of having a beautiful wife with a perfect family.  Now, it feels like just yesterday I was burying that dream. 

Life is so short.  So, so short!  I feel like so much of the precious time I’ve been given on this Earth has been wasted on meaningless activities that don’t make me happy or provide anything of value to society.  Why?  Well, I know the answer is to earn income since we sadly need paper to access the necessities of life.  I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to survive into next week or next year or when I’m 70 years old that I’ve let so much of the best parts of my life pass me by.  I’ve been so fearful of struggle and hardship in the past.  Most people are.  But going forward, I think it’s high time I shut off the amygdala, the primitive “lizard” part of my brain, throw away fear, and start living.  What does it mean to live?  That I still have to figure out.

For years I’ve allowed myself to be confined within this bubble we’ve created in our society, where we devote our lives and expend a large portion of our energy working our way up this imaginary ladder (patting ourselves on the back along the way) in order to “make it.”  With Kait’s passing, however, I’ve been able to pull myself out of this bubble and reassess it essentially from an outsider’s point of view.  As I stand alone, on the outside looking in, I’ve been given an opportunity to quietly observe and then question the validity of everything that I have been raised to believe about the world we’ve built.  And only now, through my observations, have I realized how much more there is to life than this complex bubble we’ve created.  Life is so much bigger than our suits and ties and our bear and bull markets.  Only now have I awakened to realize there is no such thing as “making it.”  Because even after one “makes it,” even after one “wins,” the game does not end.  He must continue playing.  If he stops playing, if he lets down his guard even for a moment, there are hoards of players eager to take his spot.  The game never ends, at least the way we have it set up.

Kaitlyn’s passing has forced me to widen my vision.  As I remained hovering outside of our perceived world, I began to make observations about how much time we are spending working in the name of progress compared to how much time we are spending actually enjoying life, the one life we have, with our loved ones.  From that point of view, I ask myself, what are we actually working so hard to advance toward?  Is our purpose on earth merely to produce, produce, produce?  What’s the end goal?  Is there an end goal?  Or, are we just working to pass the time and distract ourselves?  I confess that I’m often guilty of the all work and no play attitude.  I rarely stop and smell the roses.  Why?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want an easy life.  I sincerely enjoy being challenged, but I prefer my challenges to have the potential for productive outcomes.

But what is so important that we feel we have to sacrifice our wellbeing and happiness to obtain it?  Essentially, life as we know it goes on forever.  It goes on and on and on and on and on.  So, if life goes on forever, what are we in such a hurry to achieve?  We have all the time in the world to make advancements.  If life goes on forever, is it even possible to have an end goal to work toward?  Is it even possible to get to a point where we feel like we’ve progressed enough and can take a break?  No.  Because with every hypothesis relative to a question arises several more hypotheses, meaning we will always discover ways of performing activities differently and more efficiently.  

So what is it we are working so hard and so fast to obtain?  The truth is, we don’t truly know.  We know we want to create a better, more efficient world for our families and humans to live in.  And, in many, many regards, at least when it comes to efficiency, we certainly have.  Healthcare, transportation, shelter, food production – we’ve made so many processes so much simpler and more efficient.  However, even though our world is more efficient, does that mean it’s better?  At first glance, the answer seems like a simple one.  Yes.  But upon further inspection, as I navigate through society, the answer becomes much more complex.  The key determinant in concluding whether or not our advancements have created a “better” world is by assessing our overall happiness.  With all of our advancements, are we happier?  That should be the most important factor.  Certain indicators point to the fact that we aren’t happier, as we’ve had a rise in suicides, crime, depression, drug use, incarcerations, divorce, murder, cancer and heart disease (stress plays an important role), and much more.  And as I look around, almost everyone I know is stressed out, weathered, tired, and irritable, just praying they can win the lottery, not so they can be lazy and lounge around all day, but so they can have more time to live and not worry about whether or not their children will be able to eat day in and day out.  Nobody seems to have time for life anymore as we yawn our way through our monotonous schedules, through the everyday chaos.  Most of my friends and colleagues seem to just want to take a nap!  They are worn out.  And in our fatigue, we’ve lost that childlike wonderment.  That desire to continuously ask questions of the unknown and explore to discover the answers. 

Is progress truly progress if people are constantly in a state of stress and unhappiness?  And would the consequences be so dire if we slowed down and placed more emphasis on balance and on the enjoyment of the one life we’ve been given?

My situation with Kaitlyn has propelled me to start asking questions again.  About everything.  Kait’s passing has forced me to ask, what is the point of life?  In my exploration to discover the answer to that impossible question, I begin by peeling back the layers and breaking it down to its most basic form.  What seems to be the one universal thing people want most in life?  As I sit and ponder that question, the answer seems simple – happiness.  I think it’s safe to say everyone on earth wants to live a life of happiness.  Pretty basic.  Right?  They want a peaceful life, free of stress, free from worry, free from struggle, free from war and hate.

As I reflect and ask questions, leaning on Kait for advice, clear answers begin pouring in.  “Kaitlyn, in order to ‘live’, if the overall goal in life is to be happy, then how do I, and we, find happiness?” 

I hear a shout from afar as a response instantly manifests and echoes within my mind, and it’s so obvious. 

LOVE!!!

The path to overall, genuine happiness is through love.  It’s so simple.  The more I think about it, as cheesy as it sounds, the more it makes sense.  It’s the absolute truth.  The immense love Kait and I expressed with each other made me happier than I have ever been before.  The love I feel from my pets makes me smile radiantly.  We are creatures meant to love.  We do things we love to do.  We eat things we love to eat.  We hang out with people we love to hang out with.  Love makes us feel good.  Love adds warm, positive energy to our hearts.  It makes us tingle.  It makes our nerves stand up.  It makes us glow.  Think about all of the times you were mad.  Anger, hate, sadness, frustration, they hurt.  Those feelings feel terrible.  Love is what we were meant to seek and feel.  Love fulfills us all.  And, it shouldn’t be hard to find.  It flows abundantly within everyone.  We just have to learn it’s okay to free it.  We don’t have to keep it suppressed. 

It is such a simple notion.  So obvious.  But, it’s so easy to forget.  And, it seems we have forgotten that.  I know I have.  Being a man, I’ve grown up with the mindset that to show love and affection is to be weak and unmanly.  A wuss.  As I think about it, though, to be afraid to express a feeling due to fear of ridicule from peers, that is actually much more unmanly.  To be so insecure that you can’t create your own path, and instead you have to follow another’s path or go by the “books” of what it means to be a man, that’s not manly at all.

Kaitlyn broke down the barriers of my icy heart and taught my soul what it meant to love.  She demonstrated that love truly conquers all.  Whenever I was grumpy and gloomy, her love always brightened my day.  Whenever negative energy was permeating within, clouding my mind, her love always cleared it away and replaced it with positive, warm light.  And it felt good.  Her love felt so good!  That was living!

Vicariously through Kait, I essentially had my “death bed” moment as I watched her/my/our life slowly slip away.  Through my intense grief and mourning, through my anger and sadness, through my guilt, I was forced to reflect on all aspects of my life.  As I clashed within to find purpose and meaning again, I was forced to question and rethink everything I was taught throughout my years.  What’s really important in life?  What really matters?  What would I change?  But unlike most people on their death bed, I’ve been given a rare opportunity to continue living, to make corrections and grow through tragedy.  Kaitlyn’s struggle and suffering instilled valuable lessons in me.  She taught me what really matters in life.  Conversely, she taught me about the things that truly don’t matter in life.  I can’t thank her enough for that!

(This was originally Chapter 44 of the 1st Edition of my book Caring for Kait. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition. As I’ve gotten older, what I wanted to be inspiring and impactful in my 20s has become increasingly nauseating each time I read it, lol. So I had to get rid of it.)

Weeks and months passed, and I still struggled to come to grips with the death of the love of my life.  Some nights as I tried to sleep it felt like a train was roaring through my head.  On some days anxiety would feel as though a hand was squeezing my heart, sending shockwaves through my whole body as it sputtered to maintain rhythm.  Even with a completely evolved perspective, I still struggled to find purpose and meaning.  I still struggled to put Kait’s passing into perspective.  Every time I recalled staring into her knowing eyes, I remembered how much she wanted to continue on living her life with me and those who loved her, but sensing she wouldn’t get that opportunity.  Every day I relived her final weeks of emotional and physical torment.  It was painful.

As much as I wanted to dig a large hole and burrow into it for the rest of my life, I knew I couldn’t.  I knew Kait would not want me to sit and sulk and feel sorry for her as my years ticked by.  And, self-loathing and self-pity are destructive, unproductive, and selfish.  I couldn’t do that.  It was imperative I found meaning again.  But, where would I begin?  Everything seemed so unimportant.  Was anything worthy of my attention anymore?  I had already established the fact that the accumulation of money and material wealth had become a boring, empty, and endless challenge.  That would just be a waste of precious life.  I had to find something more meaningful.  But, what?     

Inner dialogue began chattering away as usual, replaying one line over and over in my head – “I was supposed to die for you.”

“I was supposed to die for you.”

What does that mean?

“I was supposed to die for you.”

But, why?  That single statement began to inspire me. 

In my newfound spiritual enlightenment, I started to truly believe there might have been a meaning to those words.  Somehow it must have been communicated to her that her life would be sacrificed for me and others.  But, why?  Is it so that I would open my eyes and become a better person?  Was I living a life way too centered on myself?  I know that before Kait passed, while she was living her life to help children and others, I was living solely to provide for her and I.  The struggles of everyone else in the world were of little concern to me.  If I didn’t know them, or if I didn’t see them suffering, it didn’t affect me.  That was my mindset.  So maybe that’s why she was supposed to die for me.  To encourage me to live less selfishly.  Or, was it because I didn’t fully believe in Jesus?  Was it because I didn’t have him in my heart, and by Kait passing on, she knew I would seek him out?

“I was supposed to die for you.”

“Why, Kait?  Why?!?”

Why was she supposed to die for me?  And if she did, what could I do to fulfill her sacrifice?  I couldn’t simply live for myself from here on out.  Somehow I had to figure out a way to continue her legacy and find a way to provide a helping hand to those in need.  I had to find a way to live for others as she did.

I realize there is a chance her statement might have meant something completely different.  But, there is that old saying ‘I’d rather live with faith only to die and find out God doesn’t exist than live without faith only to die and find out he does exist.’  In the same sense, what if Kait truly did sacrifice herself, and I shrugged it off as not having any deeper meaning only to find out in the afterlife how much it actually meant?  Her giving up her life would have been for naught.  So, I’d rather live my life believing she gave herself up, trying to live up to and fulfill her sacrifice only to find out it meant very little in the end, rather than the opposite.  And that’s what I’m going to do.  I have to live my life believing there was a deeper meaning to ‘I was supposed to die for you.’  I have to believe there was a greater purpose for her passing on so early in her life.

So, Kait was supposed to die for me.  That’s the motto I will use if I need something to motivate me or pick me up when I am down.  But even with that, I still needed to figure out what it was I could do that would fulfill her sacrifice.  What could I possibly do to reintroduce meaning to my existence?  Struggling to discover the answers as I continued crawling through the dark shroud of ash and soot, I once again turned to Kait for guidance.  “Kait what can I do?”

As expected, I suddenly heard gentle whispers nearby.  She had answered my call with words of encouragement and direction.  “Open your eyes,” she said.  “Open them even wider, and purpose will find you again.”

I listened.  Following Kait’s instructions, I looked out, extending my vision even farther than before as I surveyed the landscape beyond my own backyard.  And when I did, for the first time I truly began to see.  I began to see things that were always in my line of sight, but I previously ignored.  I finally began to notice the struggle and suffering endured by millions throughout the world.  I started becoming truly aware of all the devastation and destruction plaguing every region of our planet.  And the wider I opened my eyes and the more I could see, the more I felt appalled.  The situation outside my previous world of sunshine and butterflies was bad.  It still is.  And it’s rapidly getting worse.     

What do I see that begs for help, that begs for change?  I see what many have come to see.    

I see a world in which my peers are afraid to bring children into.

I see a world where 20,000 to 30,000 emaciated children around the globe die of starvation every single day.  Kids who want a happy life just like you and I.  Even in America, 15-20% of its children live in poverty.  And the sad thing is, we live in a world of abundance; enough food is already produced to feed the entire population.  Yet, with the way things are currently set up, we essentially forced people into this slimy pit, into this gladiator ring where they have to compete against one another for survival.  They must game each other in order to access the necessities of life.  Though God has created a world where there is enough to go around, we have undermined him and created systems in which scarcity is the driving force.

I see a world whose beloved animals, crucial to the flow of our ecosystems, are likely to become extinct within our lifetime and possibly sooner than we assume.  Wonderful creatures like rhinos, elephants, gorillas, and pandas.  Lions, and tigers, and polar bears.  Oh my!  Cheetahs, chimps, butterflies, fish, gazelle, brown bears, black bears, orangutan, whale sharks, leopards, yak, sperm whales, humpback whales, any kind of whale whale.  Thousands of other precious, but doomed life forms likely to be wiped off the map in months and years to come.

I see precious resources, life forces being ravaged, misused, and wasted.  Resources that have taken thousands and even millions of years to develop being exhausted in just a couple hundred years.  Air is becoming polluted.  Water undrinkable.  Food poisoned.  Carcinogens are everywhere.

I see just about every ecosystem in severe danger.

I see a world with alleged men fighting over land and resources.  Killing over power and wealth.  Murdering over religious ideals.

I see half the world impoverished, equating to almost 3,000,000,000 people, a number that continues to steadily increase as our false idols hoard more and more, increasing the gap between those well off and the destitute.

I see 1% of the world’s population hoarding 40% of the world’s resources and wealth under the false pretenses of, “We’ve earned it.”  And we buy the justification of these so-called men.  A “man” is not someone who selfishly hoards resources for himself and doesn’t care as those around him suffer and perish.  That is a coward. 

I see beautiful, fruitful, life-providing rainforests being reduced to nothing.  Rainforests, the “Lungs of our Planet” that once covered 14% of the earth cut, chopped, and bulldozed away to a mere 6% in only 40 years’ time.  Rainforests which provide precious plants used as ingredients in a large portion of our medicines and many other products.  Rainforests, essential for recycling carbon dioxide and turning it into 20% of the world’s oxygen.  They are severely threatened.    

I see our trash, garbage, obsolete electronics, etc. being strewn about various African regions, turning once beautiful landscapes lush with plants and rivers into desolate, barren wastelands. 

I see us scrambling to patch a global system destined for failure.  A system driven by scarcity and bolstered by societal problems.  A system that’s needed war and destruction to break out of recession.  A system of mass overproduction and mass overconsumption.  A system that allows deceitfully indebting underdeveloped countries (Ecuador, for instance) whose people have little education on what they’ve entered into, only to be coerced into giving up their finite resources when they can’t pay off these made up debts.  A system that does not take into account the laws of nature, a nature which we are inherently at the mercy of, a nature which is the secret ruler of us all, a nature which is the true driving force of life.  If we don’t work for it, if we aggravate it enough, it has the power to chew us up and spit us out.  Simple solutions lie right in front of us if we are willing.

I see us doing our part to indirectly enslave children and adults in countries all over the world.  We empower it.  These slaves in countries like Indonesia and Bangladesh work grueling hours for very little pay only so we can have our Macs or iPhones cheaper, or so we can get a pair of jeans at a lower cost, or so we can get our yearly Air Jordan’s.  We just turn our cheek and keep buying our cheaper goods as these kids and adults slave away for us and for the corporations who stand on their shoulders for a higher bottom line.  Our higher standard of life comes at the deprivation of others.  But because we don’t see or know these people, we don’t feel their suffering.  We don’t care.  They feel love and pain, too.

Instead of embracing and accepting our flaws and differences, I see us condemning them.  We seemingly have an inherent need to compartmentalize everything and place people and things into categories.  We like to try to find any difference we can and group people together based on similar attributes – skin color, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political affiliation, country, state, city, age.  Anything.  Then we like to create a perimeter and keep those distant whom we deem too different.  But, our differences are what make us special and unique and fun.  Same is boring.  Kait’s mantra, which I’ve tried to adopt, was as long as you were nice to her, you were “in” (actually, even if you weren’t nice to her, she would forgive often and give you multiple chances at redemption).

I see a world with artificial borders separating our lands, creating artificial borders in our minds, keeping us divided.  If we fly above earth, we cannot see these borders because they do not exist.  They merely exist in our heads.  As crazy as it may sound at first, there is no such thing as the United States.  There is no such thing as Canada.  Again, the borders we created to divide these areas of land are artificial and exist only in our minds.  We all belong to one big body – Earth.  So, when one country is attacking another, we are merely attacking ourselves in the big picture.  Russia attacking the USA or vice versa is like the lungs attacking the heart.  It’s insane.

I see artificial, theoretical means of exchange limiting and inhibiting us from solving real life issues, inhibiting us from real progress.

I see an arbitrary numerical value hovering above our heads, denoting our worth in society.  An hour of one person’s life may be inadequately valued at $15 per hour, less than a shirt.  Others may be arbitrarily worth $100 per hour.

I see a permeating vanity syndrome in our society, shaping and misguiding our values.  We are stuck on superficialities, on image.  What I found with Kaitlyn is that I fell in love with who she was, not what she was.

I see elected politicians playing a despicable game of manipulation and deceit in order to elevate themselves among the ranks and obtain power and material wealth.  The saddest part is, they use civilians as their game pieces, as their pawns, and the civilians actually think their best interests are being pursued.   

I see attempts at true technological progress being thwarted by those who fear to lose power.  From the suppression of Nikola Tesla’s viable plan to provide free energy to the world with his Wardenclyffe project to the mysterious deaths of Stanley Meyer (allegedly poisoned) and Eugene Mallove (beaten to death at his home), wonderful minds behind the water fuel cell (water-powered engine) and cold fusion (clean, abundant energy), respectively, it’s been happening for decades and even centuries.  This behavior of suppressing inventions even goes back to the times of the Roman Empire.  It’s been said an inventor during Tiberius Caesar’s rule had presented a plastic type of material, said to be flexible glass, which didn’t break when it hit the ground.  Fearing this invention would threaten the value of gold and silver, the emperor sentenced the man to death.  Progress thwarted.

I see African children, and also adult workers, being exploited to mine the diamonds we seem so enthralled with.  Kids as young as 5 years old working long days, six or seven days a week, under extreme conditions simply so we can put a shiny stone around our neck or finger.

I see a world in a perpetual state of warfare, where our most brilliant minds and most brilliant technological advancements are designed for destruction rather than for the benefit of man.  And what’s even sadder is that I observe a large portion of the population cheering it on.

And, overall, if these trends continue, I see a world on the verge of collapse.

Scanning the earth, noticing how abysmal things were, I felt a churning in my stomach.  I felt guilty.  I had lived a life of privilege while many had to endure similar, if not worse circumstances than I ended up coming upon with Kait.  But through my guilt, I could hear Kait’s comforting whispers of reassurance.  “Travis, you shouldn’t feel guilty.  You can still change and improve.  Everyone can change and improve.  Things don’t have to be the way they are.  Things aren’t supposed to be what they’ve become.”

“But, Kait, there’s so much.  What possibly can I do?”  Waiting for an answer, I felt a warm, soothing touch on my shoulder.  And suddenly, everything became clearer.  I needed to continue digging.  I needed to go deeper and look beyond the surface issues if I truly wanted to grow and find meaning again.  So I did.  I began analyzing and questioning all that I saw, trying to figure out the source of so much pain.  I began by assessing all of our issues in aggregate.  And when I did, the answer I derived seemed so obvious.  Greed!  It seems as though most of the world’s problems can be attributed to greed.  Which is perpetuated by money and the pervasive idea that to have more means you are better and happier than others.  Looking back on my life I realize that during my short time on earth greed and individualistic thinking have been encouraged in the sense that it drives our system forward and keeps it afloat.  Even though Oliver Stone was trying to vilify his lead character in Wall Street, I see the infamous line “Greed is good” ringing true in countless social circles with many thinking it’s acceptable to emulate and adhere to that sort of mindset and attitude.  I know I’m certainly not the first to say this, but GREED IS NOT GOOD!  It’s destructive both for individuals and for the world.  Greed and selfish thinking will only lead to more destruction, more suffering, and possibly complete decimation of our home.  (In “The Pit”, I discovered Greed is not the core contaminant, just a major symptom.)

Recalling various times in my life when I felt like I should do something about it, I remember being told by a number of individuals that all of our issues are out of my control and that I should just worry about myself.  It seems as though a great number of us, at least in our society, adhere to that sentiment and live for ourselves.  We live for power, money, material goods, and self-gain.  We lust for attention and glory because we are not secure enough in our own bodies, and that glory, that attention validates our existence.  It makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like we have an importance in life.  And, most of us want so desperately to feel that sense of belonging, that sense of acceptance that we will do things simply to fit in even if it means compromising our moral values.  I used to want to fit in with the older men in nice suits, talking the financial lingo, using complex words only the financially astute understood, feeling like I was smarter than the lay person.  But, then I realized how phony and artificial it all was.  Especially when I learned a monkey has just as good a chance at picking profitable stocks than humans, well, aside from those with inside information. 

With my eyes open, it’s become obvious that we’ve been given everything we need to not only survive, but live abundantly, yet we aren’t willing to share.  And, in the process we have raped, pillaged, and destroyed so much in such a small time frame.  We are so capable, and when allowed to flourish, have done so much good in the last couple hundred years.  We’ve made remarkable progress in so many ways.  Unfortunately, all of the great things we’ve accomplished are overshadowed by the bad since the bad literally threatens all forms of life.

But with Kait’s hand caressing my shoulder, I could feel a genuine sense of hope permeating through my veins.  Along with helping me become aware of all the current calamities of the world, she also showed me how things CAN be.  She showed me how we as humans possess an innate desire to help each other out.  How we have a propensity to want to lend a helping hand to our neighbor without expecting reward.  And just that alone helped me to feel hopeful again.  Hopeful that we can one day start thinking as a whole, as a species, and right the ship so we can feel confident in the world we leave for our children and generations beyond.  Because the way things are right now, it truly, honestly does not have to be like this!  We can do better!  We can do so much better!  I am hopeful.

Traveling through the space within my dark, suffocating tunnel of emotional depression, I finally felt the strength to lift myself up off the ground.  With Kait’s help, my slow crawl turned into a brisk walk as the glimmering light in front of me became bigger and brighter.  I was rediscovering my purpose.  I was redefining my reason to exist, and it was breathing life back into an otherwise lifeless existence.  With Kait’s guidance, she was showing me ways in which I could fulfill her sacrifice.  It started with looking selflessly outward rather than selfishly inward.  It started by living not only for myself, but for everyone else.  The ultimate goal would be to find a way so that no one on Earth lived in poverty.  So that no one on Earth suffered or starved.  So that we wouldn’t end up destroying everything most precious to us.

Initially, I felt overwhelmed by the proposal that would essentially pull me out of my hell and instill in me a new purpose.  “But, Kait, that end goal seems utterly impossible.  Wouldn’t I be wasting my time,” I said as I faithlessly shook my head.  Once again as I sat waiting, an answer manifested in my mind.  An answer reminding me that throughout our history, throughout humanity, we’ve constantly defined and redefined ourselves by achieving what was originally perceived as unachievable, by making the impossible possible.  Why should we stop now?  What makes this challenge any different from other daunting challenges?

Some people may say those ideals for a world where everyone gets along and sings songs and holds hands and skips around are Utopian, and therefore impossible.  I agree that Utopia is impossible.  Utopia essentially means a perfect world.  But, can we ever arrive at a point where we can no longer improve?  I don’t think so.  It’s human nature to create and solve problems and continue to learn and improve.  That will never stop, meaning Utopia is impossible.

Even if, say, those ideals happen to be Utopian, is it wrong to set the bar high, especially when we are capable of achieving so much more?  Shouldn’t we always be striving to make improvements?  Does anyone in the world believe our structures or systems are perfect, or that they are as good as we can come up with?  No!  They are flawed.  Every system ever put into practice is flawed.  Since they are flawed, shouldn’t we continue trying to improve instead of remaining stagnant and saying, “Oh well, this is just the way things are, so we have to live with it”?  In all systems around the world, people are suffering and impoverished.  That means we should continue with innovation until no one has to worry whether or not they will be able to eat in a given day.  IT IS POSSIBLE!

Unfortunately, I’m also reminded that change throughout history has come at the hands of a few while the majority of detractors adamantly and, many times, violently opposed.  We can be a part of the 99% who refused to believe the world was round.  We can be part of the 99% who rejected the idea of the sun being the center of our solar system.  We can be part of the large majority who thought aviation was impossible, or that exploring space was a galactic dream, or even that white and black people couldn’t coexist.  Or, we can be a part of the tiny minority who dare to redefine outdated belief systems, who dare to challenge the status quo and think beyond our invisible limits. 

It seems, in order for improvements to take place, instead of immediately condemning or ostracizing a man who challenges what we “know” or think to be truth, a man who introduces fresh ideas to the world, we should ask questions first.  When a man comes out and claims cancer is a part of the immune system, or that cancer is actually a result of fungus, or that he has ideas to improve society, or that he believes in a God, or that he doesn’t believe in a God we should do our best to refrain from the impulse response of, “Pfff, that’s crazy.  What a lunatic…,” as many say when a person introduces differing ideas or opinions into our world, and try to understand where that person is coming from first.  I encourage to always, always, always ask questions and try to fully understand someone before criticizing his or her ideas or actions.  Aim before firing.  It’s a principle so simple.  So obvious.  But so often broken, especially when conflicting interests are present.  No ideas should ever be initially dismissed without objective, or even subjective, thought.  At one point, in the 19^th century, Ignaz Semmelweis correctly made the assertion that a doctor simply washing his hands before delivering a baby significantly reduced maternal mortality rates in hospitals, and instead of setting aside ego and investigating his proposal, the scientific and medical community heavily criticized him at the outset since it conflicted with the established opinions at the time.  It wasn’t until after his death that his theory was recognized as truth.  Ego seems to be one of the biggest barriers against progressive thought.  Sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and accept when we just don’t know something and ask questions.          

Change starts with peace and acceptance within ourselves, within the nucleus of our being, and expands outward from there.  It starts with redirecting the “me first” attitude running rampant throughout our society.  The childish attitude of “mine, mine, mine!”  That’s mine!  That attitude only causes harm and strife.  And really, it can be argued that nothing is truly ours, not even our bodies.  Only 10% of the human body is actually made up of human cells and the remaining 90% consists of foreign bacteria, or microbial species, that filter in and out of our system.  Even our thoughts can’t truly be claimed as our own, because just about everything we know, all the information we’ve ever acquired has come from someone else, from some other outside source – parents, schools, television, etc. – and those outside sources have attained their knowledge from other sources, and so on and so forth.  Knowledge is serial.  It has been passed down and built upon for thousands of years.    

With Kait’s passing encouraging me to open my mind, I’ve now come to believe we are all somehow connected on this planet, like one big interwoven and interconnected series of molecules and energy.  One big conscious organism (actually, studies are currently being done to try and quantify and validate the theory behind a collective consciousness).  And if one person is suffering through hardship, then we all are.  If we ever truly want to prosper and grow, it seems we have to start living not only for ourselves, but for everyone else.  I am confident we can do that. 

A part of me wonders if God’s great test is to see if we can one day completely come together.  Sounds ridiculous, but who knows.  It’d be a fun challenge.  It seems like just about every other natural system in the world (plants, animals, molecules) operates in harmony with its surrounding environment, except for the human system.  We consume more than we need.  We have little concern for the surrounding environment.  We destroy other organisms in our way.  We grow out of control.  You know, the human system, as it currently operates, has many resemblances to something else I’ve come to know quite well – cancer.  Is it too harsh to say we are a cancer to Earth’s body at this very moment?

Many say, “Well, that’s just how we are as humans.  We are just animals who can’t control our instinctual urges.  We can’t change that.”

I don’t believe that at all.

A part of that assertion may be true.  The most primitive parts of our brain are instinctual and animalistic, where survival is the only purpose.  But, what separates us from the animal kingdom is our advanced cerebral cortex and the development of the frontal lobes in our brain, giving us the innate ability to reason, solve highly complex problems, and feel empathy toward others.  The cerebral cortex gives us the ability to tell the territorial part of our mind to shut up.  Our advanced brains give us the ability to break free from our instinctual trance, to consciously control our urges.  Our purpose becomes more than just survival and fulfilling those urges.  With our advanced neurological functioning, we can find a solution for anything.  Creative problem solving is what we are best at.  The desire for challenge and the desire to create are two of the many driving forces among humans.    

With Kait’s continued guidance, encouraging me to further evolve my belief systems, I’ve come to believe that life is a birthright.  The first day we are born, we have a right to life, and the resources provided are a common heritage for everyone.  No one man or one group can lay claim to something that has been around for millions of years just because they say they found it first, which they didn’t.  Simply look at the situation between Native Americans and the European explorers.  By our standards of “finders keepers”, every resource in America should essentially be the Natives’.  But we murdered and stole everything and now claim we found it first, therefore it’s ours to decide who gets what.  Not right.  Shouldn’t be that way.  There is enough to go around for everyone.  We simply have to use what we’ve been so graciously given wisely.

Finally, I’ve come to believe everyone has a purpose on this earth.  If you are here, that means you belong.  If you are here, that means you are a gift to this world.  Everyone is important.  Every form of life plays a vital role on this planet.  As long as you are breathing air on this earth, you have a purpose.  Some people simply need a generous hand to help them discover what that purpose may be. 

I think that’s it!  With her generous, loving hand guiding me through, Kait helped me reemerge from the thick, smoky fog of grief that had been choking me without end.  She’s helped me rediscover a purpose that seems worth living for, one that would fulfill her sacrifice and return the favor, at least in my eyes.  And that purpose consists of devoting my life to trying to make a difference in the lives of those in need of a helping hand – both children and adults.  That is the one activity, the one goal that can still provide for me a meaningful existence.  It feels important.  Going forward, I will do my best to no longer put myself before others.  No more will I worry about petty material things.  No more will I yearn for material reward for accomplishing tasks.  The reward will be knowing that I helped someone in need.

Going forward, I won’t allow myself to enjoy spoils while much of the world suffers.  What kind of man would that make me to live in excess while children are famished and emaciated around the globe?  And for those who think they need to keep acquiring tangible goods in order to find happiness, I would like to encourage them to sincerely reflect and recall the moments in life that truly made them laugh and truly made them smile.  What was the source of that laughter?  I would also challenge them not to be fooled by subliminally charged messages convincing us we need things we truly don’t need, making us feel like we need to keep up with or surpass the Joneses to find true happiness.  I would love it if we someday reach a point where, rather than striving to have more than the Joneses, we strive to make sure the Joneses have enough.  A lifetime geared toward the constant pursuit of artificial wealth has left many to reminisce and wish they had spent more of their precious days with those most dear to their hearts. No matter what, as I move forward, Kaitlyn’s death cannot be for nothing.  I have to do my best to make sure of that.  Though her shoes are impossible to fill, I have to do everything I can to make them full.  In that vein, I will either die succeeding in my quest, or I will die without having fully realized my goals.  Either way, I will at least know that I lived my life trying.  But hopefully, as time passes by and I become old and wrinkled, the problems I see plaguing our world today will eventually fade into the problems of a distant yesterday; and instead of saying ‘I see,’ hopefully one day I will be able to say ‘I saw.’  And at that point we will shake our heads and laugh at how stupid we once were.

(This is the original conclusion of the 1st Edition of my book, Caring for Kait. For the 2nd Edition, I changed this final chapter.)

Sometimes, an angel descends from the heavens and forges for us a new path through the darkness.  And though that path may not be entirely devoid of challenges or hardship, it ultimately leads to the sun.

Sometimes, an angel falls from the skies and challenges us to be transcendent.  She inspires us to be more than who we thought we could be.  To reach beyond our perceived limits and redefine ourselves and what it means to breathe life on this earth.  To break free from complacency and artificial constraints.  To gain the courage to detach from everything we’ve been led to believe as truth, assess its validity through a microscope, and be willing to stand up and face adversity and ridicule for the sake of morality. 

For the most part, those angels remain hidden from our view, silently watching over and guiding us through our day-to-day encounters.  But every now and then, one removes her heavenly cloak and reveals herself to the world.  Every now and then one blesses us with her visible presence and spreads her unconditional love to everyone she meets. 

I was one of the blessed.  Kaitlyn so graciously revealed herself to the world and instilled in me wonderful new values.  She taught me what life is truly all about.  She taught me what it means to love.  What it means to be selfless and make sacrifices.  And when I had fallen deep into that shadowy abyss, my angel illuminated a bright new path for me and helped me emerge from the darkness.  My angel helped me regain my vision – both in life and death. 

As recompense, I see only one way I can properly express my infinite gratitude toward her, and that’s through striving to be the best person I can be at all times.  To practice altruism as best I can from now and for as long as I live.  It seems the least I can do for all the gifts she bestowed upon me.  Unfortunately, I am no angel.  I am human with my infinite flaws.  I am corruptible.  I may be a hypocrite at times.  I may contradict myself.  I may even encounter spates of exhaustion and lethargy.  I may grow irritable and lash out every now and then.  That’s all a part of the human experience.  And a part of being human is making mistakes, but then learning and growing from those mistakes.  There will be times where I will temporarily lose my sight and stumble off the trail, but with Kaitlyn’s guiding spirit always by my side and her love forever in my heart, she will direct me back to the righteous path.

I miss Kait so much.  Not a day will go by where the cavernous void in my life won’t be strongly felt.  Not a day will go by where I’m not haunted by her undeserved suffering.  Though it’s difficult to brush those images of heartbreak and trauma from my mind, I have to try.  I can’t allow the few painful moments steal the thunder from the overwhelming number of positive ones.  We made every single day count.  In our short time together, we created enough beautiful memories to extend through multiple lifetimes.  It’s important I don’t forget to focus on those moments of immense, unconditional love and laughter, because they were abundant.  They can and will always put a smile on my face. 

My life with Kait truly was a blessing..    

From here and for as long as I live, everything I do, I do with you in heart and mind! Kaitlyn Julia, I will love you always, always, always!