(This was originally Chapter 43 of the 1st Edition of my book Caring for Kait. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition.)

Knowing in my heart Kaitlyn was all right, in a world full of love and warmth, I felt myself comforted.  I felt more at ease.  And when I lifted my head and looked up, I could now see a light shimmering up above piercing through the darkness.  With my palms up, I raised my hands to my waist and peered down at my numb fingers.  Slowly, I could feel a semblance of strength emanating softly from within me.  The numbness all over my body was beginning to dissipate.  I could sense there was still hope for a meaningful life!  Somewhere a purpose still existed!  Clenching my fists, I returned my attention to the light above.  Travis, Kaitlyn is fine!  She loves you and will always be with you!  You have to continue to live!  It’s time to start rediscovering your purpose!  As my eyes glistened with moisture, I pursed my lips and nodded my head.  With a new sense of determination, I reached forward with my hands and began clawing my way out from the psychological hell I’d fallen deep into.  But the light was far off in the distance.  I had a long way to go.

As I slowly traversed through the long, black tunnel, I gazed through the nothingness and completely tuned out the world.  For the rest of my journey back to life, it was just my thoughts and I…and of course, Kaitlyn’s guidance.  In the tranquility of my dark space, devoid of any outside influences, I began to think and reflect upon everything I had ever been led to believe.  And through my reflections, as I started dissecting and questioning all of my previous truths one by one, I found that my perspectives on life had completely changed.  All of my previous belief systems had completely evolved.

For starters, I found myself more ready and willing to take on challenges I may have been too afraid to attempt before.  Struggle.  Pain.  Tribulation.  I no longer feared any of it.  The love of my life, a woman half my size, was forced to endure a hardship I couldn’t even imagine.  And she faced it head on with indomitable strength.  She faced the pain and the suffering with such dignity, never wavering from her loving self, and never complaining of her unfortunate circumstances.  Kait could have given in to the struggle at any moment, but she didn’t.  By following her brave lead and drawing inspiration from her strength, I’ve come out a much stronger man myself.  And if we could handle cancer together the way we did, I know now that I can handle anything; a revelation that has released me from my cement shoes of fear as I move forward in life.  Now, when it comes to struggle, I say bring it on!  I can take it.

Moving on, I found myself less fearful of scrutiny and ridicule.  Less fearful of the judgment of others.  When people say, “Travis you’re going bald.”  I no longer care.  I say, “Yup, that’s true.”  If people say, “Travis you’re weird.”  I say, “Yeah I am pretty weird, aren’t I?”  If someone tells me, “Travis, your face is crooked.”  I laugh and say, “Really?  Hmm, ain’t that somethin’.”  Life is short, who cares what people say or think.  Big deal.  I’ve learned to embrace the things that distinguish me from the rest and laugh at my “flaws.”  Who wants to be the same as everyone else, anyway?

Next, as I continued my slow crawl toward the light, I faced the concept of death – a notion that once terrified me.  But as I revisited this frightening topic, I found that the idea of passing on no longer sent chills traveling down my spine like it used to.  After experiencing death through Kaitlyn, the concept of dying is one that no longer terrifies me.  Why should it?  Kait experienced it, so I should be able to, as well.  And now that I know life continues after our earthly life, there really is nothing to fear.  Death comes to us all.  Whether it happens tomorrow or 50 years from now, the difference in that stretch of time is nothing compared to eternity.  And as much as we like to sometimes believe we are impervious, death is inevitable.  We all pass on at some point.  Earth is merely a temporary playground.  Unless a person’s actions are causing pain to others, it shouldn’t matter what endeavors they decide to take on, as long as they find some sort of satisfaction in doing it.  To each, their own.  Let bygones be bygones.  In the grand scheme of life, it doesn’t matter.

We struggle daily to make the “right” decisions, hoping our choices don’t threaten our survival and overall wellbeing.  But I realize now there is really no such thing as a right or wrong decision.  If we choose to go down a certain path and the outcome turns out to be less favorable than expected, causing a certain level of pain and hardship, then we learn from it.  If we are still alive after a “wrong” decision, we persevere and grow.  Facing challenge is what adds to the intrigue of life.  It’s all a part of our short journey here on earth.  And many times challenge and struggle make achievement and triumph so much more gratifying.  The ups and downs are all a part of living, and if anything they at least give us entertaining stories to pass down to our loved ones.

On my arduous journey through the seemingly infinite space of my dark world, every stage of my life began to flash before my eyes.  Like Mark’s dream, the images whooshing by my face were attempting to instill in me an important message.  Each and every image drawn from my memory was helping me to recall special times when I was smiling, when I was laughing, and when I was HAPPY.  I recalled once again going for ice cream with Kait that one evening after work when she was sick, and how such a simple moment was the source of so much laughter.  Reaching back even further into my memory bank, I recalled the hot summer nights when I was seven years old, sleeping in the living room in our sleeping bags, playing Nintendo into the wee hours of the morning with my dad, brothers, uncles, and friends.  What fun we had.  I recalled a time when we were sitting in our hot tub, and our pug, wanting to join us so badly, took the unknowing plunge into the steamy water.  As he quickly sank to the bottom, I remembered connecting eyes with him before we swiftly swept him out.  Though he was shaken, he was quite all right.  I smile with a glint in my eye from that adorable reminiscence.  Memories continued flooding my mind.  I remembered as a 10 year-old, my cousin and I throwing apples at my younger brothers and younger cousin as they built a fort in the woods.  I recalled playing cards and board games with my family on multiple occasions.  I remembered my brother sticking his thumb up our dog’s ass (an English Mastiff) when he was four and then innocently saying, “Dad smell,” as he held his hand up to my oblivious dad’s nose.  The pungent odor almost knocked him out.  I remembered so many times dancing in the kitchen while I “assisted” Kait as we cooked our meals together.  I couldn’t help myself, I was just so excited to be with her, and she was so much fun to have around.  I remembered those sad nights when we would hold each other.  And even though our physical bond was seriously being threatened, nothing else mattered in the world except for the fact that we were together, exchanging our limitless love.

As hundreds of images of treasured memories continued zipping past my line of sight, I began to realize it was those moments of seemingly less that I cherished most in my life.  Those simple moments made me laugh.  They made me cry.  Most importantly, they made me feel.  Somewhere, in the hustle bustle of everyday life in our society, that notion of what truly matters had escaped my conscious being.  The idea of what life is really all about had been lost on me.  I feel it’s been lost on many in our nation and in our world.

Then, I began to realize that in all of my recollections there was one more uniting principle.  In all of my happiest memories filled with life and laughter, money was never involved (unless it was playing cards with my family, and then it was simply spending time with them as we joked about everything that was the source of the happiness.  I couldn’t care less if I came out a winner, financially).

Suddenly, it hit me.  I didn’t care about money anymore.  I no longer cared about the material possessions or the false sense of wealth it garnered.  As I sifted through the memories of my life, it seems it has caused more stress and grief than anything else.  All of those inanimate objects we scratch and claw and work so hard to obtain have become absolutely valueless in my life.  That feeling is reinforced by the fact that I would give up everything, every single item I own if it meant I could have Kait back for just one hour.  Simply being with her, holding her hand, hugging her, touching her head, and drinking in her magical beauty, nothing on Earth could match that feeling of profound wealth.  That’s a feeling of true richness money could never buy.  That’s a feeling of genuine happiness that even all of the world’s material items combined could not equal.  So, I will repeat it one more time since it has had such a profound effect on my outlook.  I would trade everything, all of my material possessions without even a second thought for just one hour with Kait.  And that let’s me know just how unimportant all of this inanimate crap is.

Reflecting back on my time on our planet, I realize all of my happiest, most fulfilling moments have come while spending time with those closest to me.  Even though we have been convinced to believe that consumption will provide us with happiness, it rarely does.  We are left instead with a feeling of emptiness, thinking we need to make an additional purchase or go on yet another shopping spree just to fill that void.  But it doesn’t work that way, and the cycle just repeats itself over and over again until your garage is filled with junk.  Going forward, my goals will never revolve around the acquisition of any material object or anything as artificial as money like they used to be.  With my evolved perspectives, I will no longer be fooled into thinking true happiness will come from consumption or competing against my peers to have more.

As I continued confronting every single belief I once held, I began to feel a subtle sense of enjoyment.  In some ways I felt like a blind man being given sight for the first time in his life.  I was uncovering secrets hidden from my view that had been right in front of me the whole time. 

In my pursuit of the growing light ahead, images of a 24-year old lying motionless on a bed began pummeling my mind.  Kait’s life was taken away so quickly, reminding me how short we are here on Earth.  24 years.  Gone.  In a flash.  The years we spent together feel like just a couple of weeks.  It feels like just months ago I was a small child imagining my dream world of having a beautiful wife with a perfect family.  Now, it feels like just yesterday I was burying that dream. 

Life is so short.  So, so short!  I feel like so much of the precious time I’ve been given on this Earth has been wasted on meaningless activities that don’t make me happy or provide anything of value to society.  Why?  Well, I know the answer is to earn income since we sadly need paper to access the necessities of life.  I’ve been so worried about how I’m going to survive into next week or next year or when I’m 70 years old that I’ve let so much of the best parts of my life pass me by.  I’ve been so fearful of struggle and hardship in the past.  Most people are.  But going forward, I think it’s high time I shut off the amygdala, the primitive “lizard” part of my brain, throw away fear, and start living.  What does it mean to live?  That I still have to figure out.

For years I’ve allowed myself to be confined within this bubble we’ve created in our society, where we devote our lives and expend a large portion of our energy working our way up this imaginary ladder (patting ourselves on the back along the way) in order to “make it.”  With Kait’s passing, however, I’ve been able to pull myself out of this bubble and reassess it essentially from an outsider’s point of view.  As I stand alone, on the outside looking in, I’ve been given an opportunity to quietly observe and then question the validity of everything that I have been raised to believe about the world we’ve built.  And only now, through my observations, have I realized how much more there is to life than this complex bubble we’ve created.  Life is so much bigger than our suits and ties and our bear and bull markets.  Only now have I awakened to realize there is no such thing as “making it.”  Because even after one “makes it,” even after one “wins,” the game does not end.  He must continue playing.  If he stops playing, if he lets down his guard even for a moment, there are hoards of players eager to take his spot.  The game never ends, at least the way we have it set up.

Kaitlyn’s passing has forced me to widen my vision.  As I remained hovering outside of our perceived world, I began to make observations about how much time we are spending working in the name of progress compared to how much time we are spending actually enjoying life, the one life we have, with our loved ones.  From that point of view, I ask myself, what are we actually working so hard to advance toward?  Is our purpose on earth merely to produce, produce, produce?  What’s the end goal?  Is there an end goal?  Or, are we just working to pass the time and distract ourselves?  I confess that I’m often guilty of the all work and no play attitude.  I rarely stop and smell the roses.  Why?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want an easy life.  I sincerely enjoy being challenged, but I prefer my challenges to have the potential for productive outcomes.

But what is so important that we feel we have to sacrifice our wellbeing and happiness to obtain it?  Essentially, life as we know it goes on forever.  It goes on and on and on and on and on.  So, if life goes on forever, what are we in such a hurry to achieve?  We have all the time in the world to make advancements.  If life goes on forever, is it even possible to have an end goal to work toward?  Is it even possible to get to a point where we feel like we’ve progressed enough and can take a break?  No.  Because with every hypothesis relative to a question arises several more hypotheses, meaning we will always discover ways of performing activities differently and more efficiently.  

So what is it we are working so hard and so fast to obtain?  The truth is, we don’t truly know.  We know we want to create a better, more efficient world for our families and humans to live in.  And, in many, many regards, at least when it comes to efficiency, we certainly have.  Healthcare, transportation, shelter, food production – we’ve made so many processes so much simpler and more efficient.  However, even though our world is more efficient, does that mean it’s better?  At first glance, the answer seems like a simple one.  Yes.  But upon further inspection, as I navigate through society, the answer becomes much more complex.  The key determinant in concluding whether or not our advancements have created a “better” world is by assessing our overall happiness.  With all of our advancements, are we happier?  That should be the most important factor.  Certain indicators point to the fact that we aren’t happier, as we’ve had a rise in suicides, crime, depression, drug use, incarcerations, divorce, murder, cancer and heart disease (stress plays an important role), and much more.  And as I look around, almost everyone I know is stressed out, weathered, tired, and irritable, just praying they can win the lottery, not so they can be lazy and lounge around all day, but so they can have more time to live and not worry about whether or not their children will be able to eat day in and day out.  Nobody seems to have time for life anymore as we yawn our way through our monotonous schedules, through the everyday chaos.  Most of my friends and colleagues seem to just want to take a nap!  They are worn out.  And in our fatigue, we’ve lost that childlike wonderment.  That desire to continuously ask questions of the unknown and explore to discover the answers. 

Is progress truly progress if people are constantly in a state of stress and unhappiness?  And would the consequences be so dire if we slowed down and placed more emphasis on balance and on the enjoyment of the one life we’ve been given?

My situation with Kaitlyn has propelled me to start asking questions again.  About everything.  Kait’s passing has forced me to ask, what is the point of life?  In my exploration to discover the answer to that impossible question, I begin by peeling back the layers and breaking it down to its most basic form.  What seems to be the one universal thing people want most in life?  As I sit and ponder that question, the answer seems simple – happiness.  I think it’s safe to say everyone on earth wants to live a life of happiness.  Pretty basic.  Right?  They want a peaceful life, free of stress, free from worry, free from struggle, free from war and hate.

As I reflect and ask questions, leaning on Kait for advice, clear answers begin pouring in.  “Kaitlyn, in order to ‘live’, if the overall goal in life is to be happy, then how do I, and we, find happiness?” 

I hear a shout from afar as a response instantly manifests and echoes within my mind, and it’s so obvious. 

LOVE!!!

The path to overall, genuine happiness is through love.  It’s so simple.  The more I think about it, as cheesy as it sounds, the more it makes sense.  It’s the absolute truth.  The immense love Kait and I expressed with each other made me happier than I have ever been before.  The love I feel from my pets makes me smile radiantly.  We are creatures meant to love.  We do things we love to do.  We eat things we love to eat.  We hang out with people we love to hang out with.  Love makes us feel good.  Love adds warm, positive energy to our hearts.  It makes us tingle.  It makes our nerves stand up.  It makes us glow.  Think about all of the times you were mad.  Anger, hate, sadness, frustration, they hurt.  Those feelings feel terrible.  Love is what we were meant to seek and feel.  Love fulfills us all.  And, it shouldn’t be hard to find.  It flows abundantly within everyone.  We just have to learn it’s okay to free it.  We don’t have to keep it suppressed. 

It is such a simple notion.  So obvious.  But, it’s so easy to forget.  And, it seems we have forgotten that.  I know I have.  Being a man, I’ve grown up with the mindset that to show love and affection is to be weak and unmanly.  A wuss.  As I think about it, though, to be afraid to express a feeling due to fear of ridicule from peers, that is actually much more unmanly.  To be so insecure that you can’t create your own path, and instead you have to follow another’s path or go by the “books” of what it means to be a man, that’s not manly at all.

Kaitlyn broke down the barriers of my icy heart and taught my soul what it meant to love.  She demonstrated that love truly conquers all.  Whenever I was grumpy and gloomy, her love always brightened my day.  Whenever negative energy was permeating within, clouding my mind, her love always cleared it away and replaced it with positive, warm light.  And it felt good.  Her love felt so good!  That was living!

Vicariously through Kait, I essentially had my “death bed” moment as I watched her/my/our life slowly slip away.  Through my intense grief and mourning, through my anger and sadness, through my guilt, I was forced to reflect on all aspects of my life.  As I clashed within to find purpose and meaning again, I was forced to question and rethink everything I was taught throughout my years.  What’s really important in life?  What really matters?  What would I change?  But unlike most people on their death bed, I’ve been given a rare opportunity to continue living, to make corrections and grow through tragedy.  Kaitlyn’s struggle and suffering instilled valuable lessons in me.  She taught me what really matters in life.  Conversely, she taught me about the things that truly don’t matter in life.  I can’t thank her enough for that!