(This was originally Chapter 44 of the 1st Edition of my book Caring for Kait. It has been removed for the 2nd Edition. As I’ve gotten older, what I wanted to be inspiring and impactful in my 20s has become increasingly nauseating each time I read it, lol. So I had to get rid of it.)

Weeks and months passed, and I still struggled to come to grips with the death of the love of my life.  Some nights as I tried to sleep it felt like a train was roaring through my head.  On some days anxiety would feel as though a hand was squeezing my heart, sending shockwaves through my whole body as it sputtered to maintain rhythm.  Even with a completely evolved perspective, I still struggled to find purpose and meaning.  I still struggled to put Kait’s passing into perspective.  Every time I recalled staring into her knowing eyes, I remembered how much she wanted to continue on living her life with me and those who loved her, but sensing she wouldn’t get that opportunity.  Every day I relived her final weeks of emotional and physical torment.  It was painful.

As much as I wanted to dig a large hole and burrow into it for the rest of my life, I knew I couldn’t.  I knew Kait would not want me to sit and sulk and feel sorry for her as my years ticked by.  And, self-loathing and self-pity are destructive, unproductive, and selfish.  I couldn’t do that.  It was imperative I found meaning again.  But, where would I begin?  Everything seemed so unimportant.  Was anything worthy of my attention anymore?  I had already established the fact that the accumulation of money and material wealth had become a boring, empty, and endless challenge.  That would just be a waste of precious life.  I had to find something more meaningful.  But, what?     

Inner dialogue began chattering away as usual, replaying one line over and over in my head – “I was supposed to die for you.”

“I was supposed to die for you.”

What does that mean?

“I was supposed to die for you.”

But, why?  That single statement began to inspire me. 

In my newfound spiritual enlightenment, I started to truly believe there might have been a meaning to those words.  Somehow it must have been communicated to her that her life would be sacrificed for me and others.  But, why?  Is it so that I would open my eyes and become a better person?  Was I living a life way too centered on myself?  I know that before Kait passed, while she was living her life to help children and others, I was living solely to provide for her and I.  The struggles of everyone else in the world were of little concern to me.  If I didn’t know them, or if I didn’t see them suffering, it didn’t affect me.  That was my mindset.  So maybe that’s why she was supposed to die for me.  To encourage me to live less selfishly.  Or, was it because I didn’t fully believe in Jesus?  Was it because I didn’t have him in my heart, and by Kait passing on, she knew I would seek him out?

“I was supposed to die for you.”

“Why, Kait?  Why?!?”

Why was she supposed to die for me?  And if she did, what could I do to fulfill her sacrifice?  I couldn’t simply live for myself from here on out.  Somehow I had to figure out a way to continue her legacy and find a way to provide a helping hand to those in need.  I had to find a way to live for others as she did.

I realize there is a chance her statement might have meant something completely different.  But, there is that old saying ‘I’d rather live with faith only to die and find out God doesn’t exist than live without faith only to die and find out he does exist.’  In the same sense, what if Kait truly did sacrifice herself, and I shrugged it off as not having any deeper meaning only to find out in the afterlife how much it actually meant?  Her giving up her life would have been for naught.  So, I’d rather live my life believing she gave herself up, trying to live up to and fulfill her sacrifice only to find out it meant very little in the end, rather than the opposite.  And that’s what I’m going to do.  I have to live my life believing there was a deeper meaning to ‘I was supposed to die for you.’  I have to believe there was a greater purpose for her passing on so early in her life.

So, Kait was supposed to die for me.  That’s the motto I will use if I need something to motivate me or pick me up when I am down.  But even with that, I still needed to figure out what it was I could do that would fulfill her sacrifice.  What could I possibly do to reintroduce meaning to my existence?  Struggling to discover the answers as I continued crawling through the dark shroud of ash and soot, I once again turned to Kait for guidance.  “Kait what can I do?”

As expected, I suddenly heard gentle whispers nearby.  She had answered my call with words of encouragement and direction.  “Open your eyes,” she said.  “Open them even wider, and purpose will find you again.”

I listened.  Following Kait’s instructions, I looked out, extending my vision even farther than before as I surveyed the landscape beyond my own backyard.  And when I did, for the first time I truly began to see.  I began to see things that were always in my line of sight, but I previously ignored.  I finally began to notice the struggle and suffering endured by millions throughout the world.  I started becoming truly aware of all the devastation and destruction plaguing every region of our planet.  And the wider I opened my eyes and the more I could see, the more I felt appalled.  The situation outside my previous world of sunshine and butterflies was bad.  It still is.  And it’s rapidly getting worse.     

What do I see that begs for help, that begs for change?  I see what many have come to see.    

I see a world in which my peers are afraid to bring children into.

I see a world where 20,000 to 30,000 emaciated children around the globe die of starvation every single day.  Kids who want a happy life just like you and I.  Even in America, 15-20% of its children live in poverty.  And the sad thing is, we live in a world of abundance; enough food is already produced to feed the entire population.  Yet, with the way things are currently set up, we essentially forced people into this slimy pit, into this gladiator ring where they have to compete against one another for survival.  They must game each other in order to access the necessities of life.  Though God has created a world where there is enough to go around, we have undermined him and created systems in which scarcity is the driving force.

I see a world whose beloved animals, crucial to the flow of our ecosystems, are likely to become extinct within our lifetime and possibly sooner than we assume.  Wonderful creatures like rhinos, elephants, gorillas, and pandas.  Lions, and tigers, and polar bears.  Oh my!  Cheetahs, chimps, butterflies, fish, gazelle, brown bears, black bears, orangutan, whale sharks, leopards, yak, sperm whales, humpback whales, any kind of whale whale.  Thousands of other precious, but doomed life forms likely to be wiped off the map in months and years to come.

I see precious resources, life forces being ravaged, misused, and wasted.  Resources that have taken thousands and even millions of years to develop being exhausted in just a couple hundred years.  Air is becoming polluted.  Water undrinkable.  Food poisoned.  Carcinogens are everywhere.

I see just about every ecosystem in severe danger.

I see a world with alleged men fighting over land and resources.  Killing over power and wealth.  Murdering over religious ideals.

I see half the world impoverished, equating to almost 3,000,000,000 people, a number that continues to steadily increase as our false idols hoard more and more, increasing the gap between those well off and the destitute.

I see 1% of the world’s population hoarding 40% of the world’s resources and wealth under the false pretenses of, “We’ve earned it.”  And we buy the justification of these so-called men.  A “man” is not someone who selfishly hoards resources for himself and doesn’t care as those around him suffer and perish.  That is a coward. 

I see beautiful, fruitful, life-providing rainforests being reduced to nothing.  Rainforests, the “Lungs of our Planet” that once covered 14% of the earth cut, chopped, and bulldozed away to a mere 6% in only 40 years’ time.  Rainforests which provide precious plants used as ingredients in a large portion of our medicines and many other products.  Rainforests, essential for recycling carbon dioxide and turning it into 20% of the world’s oxygen.  They are severely threatened.    

I see our trash, garbage, obsolete electronics, etc. being strewn about various African regions, turning once beautiful landscapes lush with plants and rivers into desolate, barren wastelands. 

I see us scrambling to patch a global system destined for failure.  A system driven by scarcity and bolstered by societal problems.  A system that’s needed war and destruction to break out of recession.  A system of mass overproduction and mass overconsumption.  A system that allows deceitfully indebting underdeveloped countries (Ecuador, for instance) whose people have little education on what they’ve entered into, only to be coerced into giving up their finite resources when they can’t pay off these made up debts.  A system that does not take into account the laws of nature, a nature which we are inherently at the mercy of, a nature which is the secret ruler of us all, a nature which is the true driving force of life.  If we don’t work for it, if we aggravate it enough, it has the power to chew us up and spit us out.  Simple solutions lie right in front of us if we are willing.

I see us doing our part to indirectly enslave children and adults in countries all over the world.  We empower it.  These slaves in countries like Indonesia and Bangladesh work grueling hours for very little pay only so we can have our Macs or iPhones cheaper, or so we can get a pair of jeans at a lower cost, or so we can get our yearly Air Jordan’s.  We just turn our cheek and keep buying our cheaper goods as these kids and adults slave away for us and for the corporations who stand on their shoulders for a higher bottom line.  Our higher standard of life comes at the deprivation of others.  But because we don’t see or know these people, we don’t feel their suffering.  We don’t care.  They feel love and pain, too.

Instead of embracing and accepting our flaws and differences, I see us condemning them.  We seemingly have an inherent need to compartmentalize everything and place people and things into categories.  We like to try to find any difference we can and group people together based on similar attributes – skin color, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political affiliation, country, state, city, age.  Anything.  Then we like to create a perimeter and keep those distant whom we deem too different.  But, our differences are what make us special and unique and fun.  Same is boring.  Kait’s mantra, which I’ve tried to adopt, was as long as you were nice to her, you were “in” (actually, even if you weren’t nice to her, she would forgive often and give you multiple chances at redemption).

I see a world with artificial borders separating our lands, creating artificial borders in our minds, keeping us divided.  If we fly above earth, we cannot see these borders because they do not exist.  They merely exist in our heads.  As crazy as it may sound at first, there is no such thing as the United States.  There is no such thing as Canada.  Again, the borders we created to divide these areas of land are artificial and exist only in our minds.  We all belong to one big body – Earth.  So, when one country is attacking another, we are merely attacking ourselves in the big picture.  Russia attacking the USA or vice versa is like the lungs attacking the heart.  It’s insane.

I see artificial, theoretical means of exchange limiting and inhibiting us from solving real life issues, inhibiting us from real progress.

I see an arbitrary numerical value hovering above our heads, denoting our worth in society.  An hour of one person’s life may be inadequately valued at $15 per hour, less than a shirt.  Others may be arbitrarily worth $100 per hour.

I see a permeating vanity syndrome in our society, shaping and misguiding our values.  We are stuck on superficialities, on image.  What I found with Kaitlyn is that I fell in love with who she was, not what she was.

I see elected politicians playing a despicable game of manipulation and deceit in order to elevate themselves among the ranks and obtain power and material wealth.  The saddest part is, they use civilians as their game pieces, as their pawns, and the civilians actually think their best interests are being pursued.   

I see attempts at true technological progress being thwarted by those who fear to lose power.  From the suppression of Nikola Tesla’s viable plan to provide free energy to the world with his Wardenclyffe project to the mysterious deaths of Stanley Meyer (allegedly poisoned) and Eugene Mallove (beaten to death at his home), wonderful minds behind the water fuel cell (water-powered engine) and cold fusion (clean, abundant energy), respectively, it’s been happening for decades and even centuries.  This behavior of suppressing inventions even goes back to the times of the Roman Empire.  It’s been said an inventor during Tiberius Caesar’s rule had presented a plastic type of material, said to be flexible glass, which didn’t break when it hit the ground.  Fearing this invention would threaten the value of gold and silver, the emperor sentenced the man to death.  Progress thwarted.

I see African children, and also adult workers, being exploited to mine the diamonds we seem so enthralled with.  Kids as young as 5 years old working long days, six or seven days a week, under extreme conditions simply so we can put a shiny stone around our neck or finger.

I see a world in a perpetual state of warfare, where our most brilliant minds and most brilliant technological advancements are designed for destruction rather than for the benefit of man.  And what’s even sadder is that I observe a large portion of the population cheering it on.

And, overall, if these trends continue, I see a world on the verge of collapse.

Scanning the earth, noticing how abysmal things were, I felt a churning in my stomach.  I felt guilty.  I had lived a life of privilege while many had to endure similar, if not worse circumstances than I ended up coming upon with Kait.  But through my guilt, I could hear Kait’s comforting whispers of reassurance.  “Travis, you shouldn’t feel guilty.  You can still change and improve.  Everyone can change and improve.  Things don’t have to be the way they are.  Things aren’t supposed to be what they’ve become.”

“But, Kait, there’s so much.  What possibly can I do?”  Waiting for an answer, I felt a warm, soothing touch on my shoulder.  And suddenly, everything became clearer.  I needed to continue digging.  I needed to go deeper and look beyond the surface issues if I truly wanted to grow and find meaning again.  So I did.  I began analyzing and questioning all that I saw, trying to figure out the source of so much pain.  I began by assessing all of our issues in aggregate.  And when I did, the answer I derived seemed so obvious.  Greed!  It seems as though most of the world’s problems can be attributed to greed.  Which is perpetuated by money and the pervasive idea that to have more means you are better and happier than others.  Looking back on my life I realize that during my short time on earth greed and individualistic thinking have been encouraged in the sense that it drives our system forward and keeps it afloat.  Even though Oliver Stone was trying to vilify his lead character in Wall Street, I see the infamous line “Greed is good” ringing true in countless social circles with many thinking it’s acceptable to emulate and adhere to that sort of mindset and attitude.  I know I’m certainly not the first to say this, but GREED IS NOT GOOD!  It’s destructive both for individuals and for the world.  Greed and selfish thinking will only lead to more destruction, more suffering, and possibly complete decimation of our home.  (In “The Pit”, I discovered Greed is not the core contaminant, just a major symptom.)

Recalling various times in my life when I felt like I should do something about it, I remember being told by a number of individuals that all of our issues are out of my control and that I should just worry about myself.  It seems as though a great number of us, at least in our society, adhere to that sentiment and live for ourselves.  We live for power, money, material goods, and self-gain.  We lust for attention and glory because we are not secure enough in our own bodies, and that glory, that attention validates our existence.  It makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like we have an importance in life.  And, most of us want so desperately to feel that sense of belonging, that sense of acceptance that we will do things simply to fit in even if it means compromising our moral values.  I used to want to fit in with the older men in nice suits, talking the financial lingo, using complex words only the financially astute understood, feeling like I was smarter than the lay person.  But, then I realized how phony and artificial it all was.  Especially when I learned a monkey has just as good a chance at picking profitable stocks than humans, well, aside from those with inside information. 

With my eyes open, it’s become obvious that we’ve been given everything we need to not only survive, but live abundantly, yet we aren’t willing to share.  And, in the process we have raped, pillaged, and destroyed so much in such a small time frame.  We are so capable, and when allowed to flourish, have done so much good in the last couple hundred years.  We’ve made remarkable progress in so many ways.  Unfortunately, all of the great things we’ve accomplished are overshadowed by the bad since the bad literally threatens all forms of life.

But with Kait’s hand caressing my shoulder, I could feel a genuine sense of hope permeating through my veins.  Along with helping me become aware of all the current calamities of the world, she also showed me how things CAN be.  She showed me how we as humans possess an innate desire to help each other out.  How we have a propensity to want to lend a helping hand to our neighbor without expecting reward.  And just that alone helped me to feel hopeful again.  Hopeful that we can one day start thinking as a whole, as a species, and right the ship so we can feel confident in the world we leave for our children and generations beyond.  Because the way things are right now, it truly, honestly does not have to be like this!  We can do better!  We can do so much better!  I am hopeful.

Traveling through the space within my dark, suffocating tunnel of emotional depression, I finally felt the strength to lift myself up off the ground.  With Kait’s help, my slow crawl turned into a brisk walk as the glimmering light in front of me became bigger and brighter.  I was rediscovering my purpose.  I was redefining my reason to exist, and it was breathing life back into an otherwise lifeless existence.  With Kait’s guidance, she was showing me ways in which I could fulfill her sacrifice.  It started with looking selflessly outward rather than selfishly inward.  It started by living not only for myself, but for everyone else.  The ultimate goal would be to find a way so that no one on Earth lived in poverty.  So that no one on Earth suffered or starved.  So that we wouldn’t end up destroying everything most precious to us.

Initially, I felt overwhelmed by the proposal that would essentially pull me out of my hell and instill in me a new purpose.  “But, Kait, that end goal seems utterly impossible.  Wouldn’t I be wasting my time,” I said as I faithlessly shook my head.  Once again as I sat waiting, an answer manifested in my mind.  An answer reminding me that throughout our history, throughout humanity, we’ve constantly defined and redefined ourselves by achieving what was originally perceived as unachievable, by making the impossible possible.  Why should we stop now?  What makes this challenge any different from other daunting challenges?

Some people may say those ideals for a world where everyone gets along and sings songs and holds hands and skips around are Utopian, and therefore impossible.  I agree that Utopia is impossible.  Utopia essentially means a perfect world.  But, can we ever arrive at a point where we can no longer improve?  I don’t think so.  It’s human nature to create and solve problems and continue to learn and improve.  That will never stop, meaning Utopia is impossible.

Even if, say, those ideals happen to be Utopian, is it wrong to set the bar high, especially when we are capable of achieving so much more?  Shouldn’t we always be striving to make improvements?  Does anyone in the world believe our structures or systems are perfect, or that they are as good as we can come up with?  No!  They are flawed.  Every system ever put into practice is flawed.  Since they are flawed, shouldn’t we continue trying to improve instead of remaining stagnant and saying, “Oh well, this is just the way things are, so we have to live with it”?  In all systems around the world, people are suffering and impoverished.  That means we should continue with innovation until no one has to worry whether or not they will be able to eat in a given day.  IT IS POSSIBLE!

Unfortunately, I’m also reminded that change throughout history has come at the hands of a few while the majority of detractors adamantly and, many times, violently opposed.  We can be a part of the 99% who refused to believe the world was round.  We can be part of the 99% who rejected the idea of the sun being the center of our solar system.  We can be part of the large majority who thought aviation was impossible, or that exploring space was a galactic dream, or even that white and black people couldn’t coexist.  Or, we can be a part of the tiny minority who dare to redefine outdated belief systems, who dare to challenge the status quo and think beyond our invisible limits. 

It seems, in order for improvements to take place, instead of immediately condemning or ostracizing a man who challenges what we “know” or think to be truth, a man who introduces fresh ideas to the world, we should ask questions first.  When a man comes out and claims cancer is a part of the immune system, or that cancer is actually a result of fungus, or that he has ideas to improve society, or that he believes in a God, or that he doesn’t believe in a God we should do our best to refrain from the impulse response of, “Pfff, that’s crazy.  What a lunatic…,” as many say when a person introduces differing ideas or opinions into our world, and try to understand where that person is coming from first.  I encourage to always, always, always ask questions and try to fully understand someone before criticizing his or her ideas or actions.  Aim before firing.  It’s a principle so simple.  So obvious.  But so often broken, especially when conflicting interests are present.  No ideas should ever be initially dismissed without objective, or even subjective, thought.  At one point, in the 19^th century, Ignaz Semmelweis correctly made the assertion that a doctor simply washing his hands before delivering a baby significantly reduced maternal mortality rates in hospitals, and instead of setting aside ego and investigating his proposal, the scientific and medical community heavily criticized him at the outset since it conflicted with the established opinions at the time.  It wasn’t until after his death that his theory was recognized as truth.  Ego seems to be one of the biggest barriers against progressive thought.  Sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and accept when we just don’t know something and ask questions.          

Change starts with peace and acceptance within ourselves, within the nucleus of our being, and expands outward from there.  It starts with redirecting the “me first” attitude running rampant throughout our society.  The childish attitude of “mine, mine, mine!”  That’s mine!  That attitude only causes harm and strife.  And really, it can be argued that nothing is truly ours, not even our bodies.  Only 10% of the human body is actually made up of human cells and the remaining 90% consists of foreign bacteria, or microbial species, that filter in and out of our system.  Even our thoughts can’t truly be claimed as our own, because just about everything we know, all the information we’ve ever acquired has come from someone else, from some other outside source – parents, schools, television, etc. – and those outside sources have attained their knowledge from other sources, and so on and so forth.  Knowledge is serial.  It has been passed down and built upon for thousands of years.    

With Kait’s passing encouraging me to open my mind, I’ve now come to believe we are all somehow connected on this planet, like one big interwoven and interconnected series of molecules and energy.  One big conscious organism (actually, studies are currently being done to try and quantify and validate the theory behind a collective consciousness).  And if one person is suffering through hardship, then we all are.  If we ever truly want to prosper and grow, it seems we have to start living not only for ourselves, but for everyone else.  I am confident we can do that. 

A part of me wonders if God’s great test is to see if we can one day completely come together.  Sounds ridiculous, but who knows.  It’d be a fun challenge.  It seems like just about every other natural system in the world (plants, animals, molecules) operates in harmony with its surrounding environment, except for the human system.  We consume more than we need.  We have little concern for the surrounding environment.  We destroy other organisms in our way.  We grow out of control.  You know, the human system, as it currently operates, has many resemblances to something else I’ve come to know quite well – cancer.  Is it too harsh to say we are a cancer to Earth’s body at this very moment?

Many say, “Well, that’s just how we are as humans.  We are just animals who can’t control our instinctual urges.  We can’t change that.”

I don’t believe that at all.

A part of that assertion may be true.  The most primitive parts of our brain are instinctual and animalistic, where survival is the only purpose.  But, what separates us from the animal kingdom is our advanced cerebral cortex and the development of the frontal lobes in our brain, giving us the innate ability to reason, solve highly complex problems, and feel empathy toward others.  The cerebral cortex gives us the ability to tell the territorial part of our mind to shut up.  Our advanced brains give us the ability to break free from our instinctual trance, to consciously control our urges.  Our purpose becomes more than just survival and fulfilling those urges.  With our advanced neurological functioning, we can find a solution for anything.  Creative problem solving is what we are best at.  The desire for challenge and the desire to create are two of the many driving forces among humans.    

With Kait’s continued guidance, encouraging me to further evolve my belief systems, I’ve come to believe that life is a birthright.  The first day we are born, we have a right to life, and the resources provided are a common heritage for everyone.  No one man or one group can lay claim to something that has been around for millions of years just because they say they found it first, which they didn’t.  Simply look at the situation between Native Americans and the European explorers.  By our standards of “finders keepers”, every resource in America should essentially be the Natives’.  But we murdered and stole everything and now claim we found it first, therefore it’s ours to decide who gets what.  Not right.  Shouldn’t be that way.  There is enough to go around for everyone.  We simply have to use what we’ve been so graciously given wisely.

Finally, I’ve come to believe everyone has a purpose on this earth.  If you are here, that means you belong.  If you are here, that means you are a gift to this world.  Everyone is important.  Every form of life plays a vital role on this planet.  As long as you are breathing air on this earth, you have a purpose.  Some people simply need a generous hand to help them discover what that purpose may be. 

I think that’s it!  With her generous, loving hand guiding me through, Kait helped me reemerge from the thick, smoky fog of grief that had been choking me without end.  She’s helped me rediscover a purpose that seems worth living for, one that would fulfill her sacrifice and return the favor, at least in my eyes.  And that purpose consists of devoting my life to trying to make a difference in the lives of those in need of a helping hand – both children and adults.  That is the one activity, the one goal that can still provide for me a meaningful existence.  It feels important.  Going forward, I will do my best to no longer put myself before others.  No more will I worry about petty material things.  No more will I yearn for material reward for accomplishing tasks.  The reward will be knowing that I helped someone in need.

Going forward, I won’t allow myself to enjoy spoils while much of the world suffers.  What kind of man would that make me to live in excess while children are famished and emaciated around the globe?  And for those who think they need to keep acquiring tangible goods in order to find happiness, I would like to encourage them to sincerely reflect and recall the moments in life that truly made them laugh and truly made them smile.  What was the source of that laughter?  I would also challenge them not to be fooled by subliminally charged messages convincing us we need things we truly don’t need, making us feel like we need to keep up with or surpass the Joneses to find true happiness.  I would love it if we someday reach a point where, rather than striving to have more than the Joneses, we strive to make sure the Joneses have enough.  A lifetime geared toward the constant pursuit of artificial wealth has left many to reminisce and wish they had spent more of their precious days with those most dear to their hearts. No matter what, as I move forward, Kaitlyn’s death cannot be for nothing.  I have to do my best to make sure of that.  Though her shoes are impossible to fill, I have to do everything I can to make them full.  In that vein, I will either die succeeding in my quest, or I will die without having fully realized my goals.  Either way, I will at least know that I lived my life trying.  But hopefully, as time passes by and I become old and wrinkled, the problems I see plaguing our world today will eventually fade into the problems of a distant yesterday; and instead of saying ‘I see,’ hopefully one day I will be able to say ‘I saw.’  And at that point we will shake our heads and laugh at how stupid we once were.